Tuesday 16 March
The day started off with a spring in ones step. We set out for our morning walk and Starbucks moment. It became obvious that Martin was in no hurry to commence his treatments today. We don’t always have a lot to talk about – I mean how many new and exciting things are happening to us that are worth sharing. Then there is the need to generate conversation and talk about the same things!! So we are both content to talk occasionally and I waffle on about things in true female form making conversation, or looking out at the surroundings making word descriptions in my mind.
As we sit peacefully sipping our tea I begin to assess what it is about this little city that has warmed my heart. As I relax and enjoy I realise – this old sleepy town reminds me of my childhood! I feel like everything about it has stepped me back in the early 1980s in Darwin! I feel at home here – as long as I push out the knowledge of killer drug lords up there in them hills!!
We sat there for about 2 hours and eventually Martin agreed to head back and start his treatments. The doctor came around and told us that at the medical discussions today it was agreed that Martin should commence a type of chemotherapy when we get home. I am not sure whether I am relieved, annoyed, perplexed or concerned about it. Remember that the reason we are here is because chemo offered no hope at home and this treatment is the one Martin has always felt right about doing.
Dr Contreras was doing a presentation before lunch about the treatment plans of Oasis. He is the head the hospital, the son of the original founder. I was so glad to have been able to meet him as well as listen to him talk about the scientific reasons to their treatments and paths that they take. I asked him at the end why some people are offered chemo, when the purpose of this protocol is to avoid it. I was able to tell him what Martin’s cancer was. For the first time since we have been here I felt like things made sense. He said that some cancers do require chemo, and it is not something they suggest to everybody, however the treatment that he has had he will enable his body to make the chemo effective. He disagreed that the omentum will not receive chemo effectively. I think we are both spinning a little bit at the thought of going through that, but seem to feel settled that it is the thing that needs to be done.
As the day of treatments set in, so did a black cloud of heaviness over our room. Martin was depressed (again) and I think I am reaching the end of myself... both in being able to pull him up but also being up to keep myself afloat. Doubt and unbelief are beginning to take hold of my heart and I find myself fighting against thoughts that nothing is going to work – nothing will heal my husband.
Matt and Farrin are leaving in the morning. I am really sad at the thought. Matt gave me the address site he and Jo had set up to help document her story. If you would like to look at it the address is: seizethisday.co.uk As I went back to my room to watch it I was already starting to feel fed-up. I didn’t want to keep talking to Martin and feeling his own frustrations, so I guess in a sense I drowned myself in my own woes! I watched Jo on her youtube videos, filled with hope and determination – regardless of how sick she was! I felt the life flow out of me – she is like I am – positive and believing for good things, yet now she is dead. I do not let Martin know what I am watching or feeling – he has enough battles without me needing to add mine to them! And I do not want him to see the videos of Jo – it is too sad!!
At the end of the heavy day we were sitting at the table in our room together and Martin looks up and me and says “I’m scared”. I begin to cry and tell him that I am too! I am scared that this hasn’t helped, that chemo wont help, that God has turned his face. I am scared of flying home, I am scared of being alone. I am scared!! So much for being strong!! I cannot stop my tears – I am a sobbing mess! As he is giving me a cuddle, I again feel like I am having an out of body experience and am watching a sad romance movie. Oh how I long to push the pause – no stop – button!! I do not want to keep watching this movie!! Can’t we change it and begin to re-enact a modern day version of The Brady Bunch!?!
We need to go and say goodbye to Matt. With eyes that look like strawberry cream puffs we head up to his room to say our farewells. He is smiling but you can feel his anguish. On the bed are the 2 bottles of perfume that Jo wore. He is going to put them, as well as other special things, into a memory box to give to Farrin when she is older. She was cremated today and he has her ashes packed into his suitcase. What a surreal thing to know you are returning alone, but what remains is packed in amongst your clothes!
Out of all of this I have come to the conclusion that women should die before their husbands. Men are so much more equipped to handle it. Yes they are heartbroken. Yes they greive and wish it didn't happen. But they are so much more practical and rational! Matt has made some amazing decisions already. Has remained strong and focused on the tasks at hand. Yes he is grieving but he is also standing and coping.
Martin hasn’t been feeling the best tonight. He didn’t eat very much at dinner time and has been saying he is feeling a little sick. It has been so long since he said that – they are words I do not want to hear!!
I sit in my bed for ages tonight. I do not know if I will get to sleep. I do not know if Martin will get to sleep! My little magic pills don’t seem to work their magic so much so I have decided not to take any for now. I think perhaps my body is used to them – so I am going to stop. I want to make sure they work for the plane next week!!
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