Wednesday 17 March
You know your day is going to be bad when you have had barely any sleep, been awaken in the middle of the night by the tormenting sounds of vomit and regardless of how tired you are you just cannot sleep. You know your day is going to be bad when your mother is on Facebook chat at 1:00am – her time – trying to keep you calm at 7am my time!
As I lay in bed chatting to my mum I cannot stop my tears. My day has barely started and, if I am honest, I do not want it to start at all. I cannot bare to do it again. Mum is trying to get me to be understanding and kind towards Martin in his dark hour... and I have been... but for just one moment I want to have someone understand my own dark hour. I am in a city where English is a second language, with a husband who is sick, doesn’t seem to be able to mentally hold himself, longing for some life and laughter... longing for some genuine release of emotion!
Looming before me is the trip home. I am not so convinced now that I am taking a man any healthier back with me and the thought of having to endure all those hours of flying again wondering if he is going to be able to breathe is tormenting!! I long for someone to be able to come home with us... I don’t want to have to be brave any longer!!
Lately my life has only had two constants in it – Jesus and a hot shower. Today I do not even think Jesus is a constant. I feel completely abandoned by Him. I cannot wonder any more where His hand is in our life and situation. Up until now I have felt covered and held, now I feel dropped and trampled. I know it will pass. I will not turn my back on Him. I am just confused about how it is all meant to work. So for now I will be happy to enjoy my only remain constant. Unfortunately the shower is not the best. You cannot adjust the water pressure – it just blasts out at a skin puncturing speed! Today I am trying not to mind – if I lose the constant of the shower then there will be nothing left!!
Martin has treatments today, and as much as I do not like to leave him while he is having them I decide that I am going to go for a long walk and explore some of the areas that I have not been able to go as they are a bit far for Martin to walk. So he goes to Ozone, which I know is supervised, and I head out. The day is beautiful. Warm, almost hot, and clear blue skies. It is hard to believe that a week ago we were wearing our jackets and scarves!
I find the main shopping centre. WOW! It is a building with a mish-mash of shops in it. I am not really here for anything in particular – just to escape. As most of you who know me you would know that I am not really an avid shopper... but I am keen to find something for the kids to take home. I doubt I will have any success here!!
Reluctantly I head back to the hospital. I think my feet become more and more weighted the closer I get. Deep down though I am concerned that Martin has been left alone too long. I think because I am in a bad frame of mind I have decided today that I am not happy with the treatment and attention that he has been given. In fairness, I do not think I would be happy with anything and I am sure my negativity will pass. But for now I am making a little bit of a fuss. I do not understand what is happening to Martin. He still has feet and hands the size of balloons. He vomited again last night and doesn’t want to eat again today. He now has developed a very tight respiratory cough. He sounds terrible and today he looks it again!!
It is too much for me to stay on top of. I am trying to hold back my emotions but at times I cannot help it and tears will just gush out to random people!
The head doctor gets wind of our unhappiness and comes to visit us. He took some time to explain why things are doing what they are. Fluid and lungs congestion are a side effect of the treatment. Should all settle soon. Protocol here is treating the cancer as a whole, not treating the tumour as an immediate fix solution – chemo will do that more. He assures me again that flying home will be safe and alright to do.
We were recommended talking to a lady who is in the ‘follow-up program’ , having been told that she also had omentum cancer and is doing very well with her therapy. We go up there and find a lovely couple by the name of Jim and Carol. As we begin to talk to Carol it becomes quickly apparent that her situation is very different to Martins... for a major start – SHE HAS HAD HER OMENTUM REMOVED!! At first when I found that out I wanted to turn around, walk out of her room, scream and then burst into tears!! However, we stayed and Jim began to talk a little and then asked if he could pray for Martin. It turns out they pastor a church in San Diego. I wanted to cry – a regular emotion today – so this time I did cry!! I feel like that brief little meeting was a gentle reminder to me that God is taking care of us.
I decided to slap myself around a little bit. I apologised to Martin for being a Super Biatch today and decided to try and suck it up!! We have made some lovely friends here. Bob and Lorri are from Minneapolis. She is her own individual version of Dolly Parton and I am so grateful that we have become friends. Without her I do not think I would have coped at all some days. Another lady, Donna, is here for a second lot of treatment. She has been before with success, but unfortunately he came back. The lady in the room next to us, Milena immigrated to the USA 20 years ago from Bulgaria. Her son is visiting her at the moment and has fitted in very nicely to our little group.
As we sit around the dinner table politics are being discussed! It is quite funny really how much more passionate the American's are and willing to talk about such things compared to the Australians!! In the middle of the converation, which I knew Martin would be enjoying under normal circumsntaces. There have been a few political talks but he has remained silent. Tonight though, he speaks!! "Do you think 9/11 could have been an inside job?" OMG - I am so excited he asked that questions! Usually it would make me cringe a little, but tonight it means he is feeling better and my heart skipped a beat with excitment!!!
We decide tonight that we are going to have a little social get together. We all meet in the little lounge which is conveniently located outside our rooms, and have our own little party! Oh what a wonderful night it has been!! We laughed, talked about everything, less about cancer, and laughed some more!! It was the perfect download that I have needed!!
I'm glad your day ended well Pippa!
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