Leaving the Oasis into the abyss

Friday 19 March

My eyes do not want to open today but I force myself to wake up. It is our last morning here. We are leaving at 11am. I want to make sure that I have time to go for a walk and take some last minute photos.

I know as soon as I am out of the shower that today is going to be a heavy day!! Martin is sitting in the chair with a blank stair, downcast. He isn’t feeling the best. This wasn’t the way we were meant to be leaving. I think in his mind we would be running out the gate of the hospital and skipping across the border. But no, we are only one step ahead of where we were. On the positive side, he can eat more than he could before... he is vomiting less, if at all. But on the negative side, he is full of fluid and can barely talk for lack of air! However, he doesn’t want to see the doctor again. After he removed his own canula thing from his arm I decided that he is on his own a little bit with where he is wanting to go medically.

We go for a walk to take the last photos. My heart is sad. I have become strangely fond of this strange backward place. I have become even fonder of my new friends. I am nervous about the next stage ahead of us!

The friends gather for one last time in the lounge area. It is time for goodbyes. Milena and her son Trifon, are also leaving with us today. Hugs and restrained tears (well at least I was fighting them back) and then we are loaded into the same van of hope that brought us here 12 days ago! The van doesn’t seem so hopeful now. A little Vietnamese man sits in front of us with his mask across his mouth protecting him from germs. They are also heading home. Milena is heading home to commence more chemotherapy. Martin still sits with the same blank despondent look.

As I look into the front and study his face I feel distraught. If we were home in Australia today would be our anniversary... we have to wait an extra day for it here. I am pensive as I look at his face and I can barely make out the full, handsome, happy face of the man I married 16 years ago. I am reminded again that my vows promised him I would be faithful in sickness and in health. It’s just that I think 16 years is still too soon to have to be going through this! I have to be honest, I look at him and wonder if we will actually make it to our 17^th year...

I have booked us into a fancy hotel in San Diego. I figure that we will only ever get one opportunity to have an anniversary in this city and as much as we can’t afford it, I feel like we can’t afford not to seize the moment. We drop our bags off to the hotel and then head out for lunch with Milena and Trifon. Oh I am in love with San Diego. I can see now why Ron Burgendy was so passionate about it!! It is such a lovely city!!

We say our goodbyes to our new found friends and head up to our room. It is lovely! I am trying not to be overcome with disappointment knowing that the room will not bring any intimacy, tenderness or laughter. I deliberately booked a room with a spa bath – for me that will bring me my enjoyment!! As soon as I walk in I turn the water on. It is massive! See, that’s what I mean about hot showers/baths being a constant. It doesn’t seem to matter where you are – they still have a faithful consistency in ministering to you!! As I sit in the water I want to cry, howl, but I am unable to as Martin is too close!

I spend some time on the computer (obviously as you are getting my blog update!) and Martin sleeps a little. When he wakes up he decides to watch a movie. I resign myself to the fact that I am really very alone in this big pretty city and if I want to see any of it I have to be a big brave girl and venture out alone! We are in an area called The Gaslamp District. It is very pretty and has lots of restaurants, shops and activity! I have managed to find some nice things for the kids, walked around and seen some of the streets. It appears here that pedestrians cross the road whenever they want. If there is an intersection with a stop sign then the cars must not only give way to other cars but to people on feet as well!! It took me a little while to work it out and went against everything inbuilt, but I did it – I stopped the traffic and walked across!!

Tonight I think I will enjoy the benefits of the spa bath again. Put on my pjs, watch a girlie chick-flick and order room service!!

STAY CLASSY SAN DIEGO!!

Home is calling!!

Thursday 18 March

Oh what a sleep!! I think it was the first night that I had a relatively normal sleep! I have however woken up a little heavy in the head – I think my body is in shock from sleeping. Martin ended up getting a sleeping pill from the nurse and he too has had a good sleep. What a difference that has made! He is up, looking a lot better, but more importantly he is in a good frame of mind!!

We head down to breakfast and decide to go for a walk together. Yesterday on my walk to the shop I found something I wanted to get for the girls, but I wasn’t able to pay for it. This morning Martin is feeling keen enough to walk the distance so I can go and buy it. It is cold again today! Like really cold!! It is strange because yesterday was so hot!!

We arrive back at the hospital and Martin begins his treatments. He seems to be going along well with them – better than he has done. While he is being treated, I am organising everything that needs to be done before we depart. I have to finalise all the medications that we need to take home. I must confess I am somewhat nervous about how I am going to get it all back into the country but I am assured that it will all be alright!! I guess the worst that can happen is it’s not alright and they take it off me! I am hoping and praying that God will let it all go through!!

I have a spring in my steps today. I think it is a combination of a fun night last night and the thought that we are almost going home!! If I spend too much time thinking about what going home means I get a little knot in my stomach, but if I just focus on it meaning I get to see my kids, family and friends, then I am excited!!

The day was progressing nicely until the afternoon set in. Martin needed to have his tummy drained for fluid one last time before they removed the catheter. As the drain began, the more the fluid filled up the more I could feel Martin’s hope drain.

There was no recovery from the hope drain event. The evening was quiet and isolating again between the two of us. I know he is scared about leaving. I know he is despondent about how he is feeling. I know the future is overwhelming for him. I just don’t know how to help him any more!!

After dinner and after I have done our packing, our little group gather around the lounge again for some more fun and laughter!! As I sit there I wonder why we didn’t do this sooner! It has been wonderful and as I look around I feel very sad that this is our last night together. Who knows what the future holds. We are all here for the same tragic reason – to save a life of a loved one or our self. We hope, believe and pray that the outcomes are what we want them to be, but none of us have guarantees!

The night is late and I literally crawl into bed. Martin is sleeping soundly and I hope he remains like that!!

The Meltdown!!

Wednesday 17 March

You know your day is going to be bad when you have had barely any sleep, been awaken in the middle of the night by the tormenting sounds of vomit and regardless of how tired you are you just cannot sleep. You know your day is going to be bad when your mother is on Facebook chat at 1:00am – her time – trying to keep you calm at 7am my time!

As I lay in bed chatting to my mum I cannot stop my tears. My day has barely started and, if I am honest, I do not want it to start at all. I cannot bare to do it again. Mum is trying to get me to be understanding and kind towards Martin in his dark hour... and I have been... but for just one moment I want to have someone understand my own dark hour. I am in a city where English is a second language, with a husband who is sick, doesn’t seem to be able to mentally hold himself, longing for some life and laughter... longing for some genuine release of emotion!

Looming before me is the trip home. I am not so convinced now that I am taking a man any healthier back with me and the thought of having to endure all those hours of flying again wondering if he is going to be able to breathe is tormenting!! I long for someone to be able to come home with us... I don’t want to have to be brave any longer!!

Lately my life has only had two constants in it – Jesus and a hot shower. Today I do not even think Jesus is a constant. I feel completely abandoned by Him. I cannot wonder any more where His hand is in our life and situation. Up until now I have felt covered and held, now I feel dropped and trampled. I know it will pass. I will not turn my back on Him. I am just confused about how it is all meant to work. So for now I will be happy to enjoy my only remain constant. Unfortunately the shower is not the best. You cannot adjust the water pressure – it just blasts out at a skin puncturing speed! Today I am trying not to mind – if I lose the constant of the shower then there will be nothing left!!

Martin has treatments today, and as much as I do not like to leave him while he is having them I decide that I am going to go for a long walk and explore some of the areas that I have not been able to go as they are a bit far for Martin to walk. So he goes to Ozone, which I know is supervised, and I head out. The day is beautiful. Warm, almost hot, and clear blue skies. It is hard to believe that a week ago we were wearing our jackets and scarves!

I find the main shopping centre. WOW! It is a building with a mish-mash of shops in it. I am not really here for anything in particular – just to escape. As most of you who know me you would know that I am not really an avid shopper... but I am keen to find something for the kids to take home. I doubt I will have any success here!!

Reluctantly I head back to the hospital. I think my feet become more and more weighted the closer I get. Deep down though I am concerned that Martin has been left alone too long. I think because I am in a bad frame of mind I have decided today that I am not happy with the treatment and attention that he has been given. In fairness, I do not think I would be happy with anything and I am sure my negativity will pass. But for now I am making a little bit of a fuss. I do not understand what is happening to Martin. He still has feet and hands the size of balloons. He vomited again last night and doesn’t want to eat again today. He now has developed a very tight respiratory cough. He sounds terrible and today he looks it again!!

It is too much for me to stay on top of. I am trying to hold back my emotions but at times I cannot help it and tears will just gush out to random people!

The head doctor gets wind of our unhappiness and comes to visit us. He took some time to explain why things are doing what they are. Fluid and lungs congestion are a side effect of the treatment. Should all settle soon. Protocol here is treating the cancer as a whole, not treating the tumour as an immediate fix solution – chemo will do that more. He assures me again that flying home will be safe and alright to do.

We were recommended talking to a lady who is in the ‘follow-up program’ , having been told that she also had omentum cancer and is doing very well with her therapy. We go up there and find a lovely couple by the name of Jim and Carol. As we begin to talk to Carol it becomes quickly apparent that her situation is very different to Martins... for a major start – SHE HAS HAD HER OMENTUM REMOVED!! At first when I found that out I wanted to turn around, walk out of her room, scream and then burst into tears!! However, we stayed and Jim began to talk a little and then asked if he could pray for Martin. It turns out they pastor a church in San Diego. I wanted to cry – a regular emotion today – so this time I did cry!! I feel like that brief little meeting was a gentle reminder to me that God is taking care of us.

I decided to slap myself around a little bit. I apologised to Martin for being a Super Biatch today and decided to try and suck it up!! We have made some lovely friends here. Bob and Lorri are from Minneapolis. She is her own individual version of Dolly Parton and I am so grateful that we have become friends. Without her I do not think I would have coped at all some days. Another lady, Donna, is here for a second lot of treatment. She has been before with success, but unfortunately he came back. The lady in the room next to us, Milena immigrated to the USA 20 years ago from Bulgaria. Her son is visiting her at the moment and has fitted in very nicely to our little group.

As we sit around the dinner table politics are being discussed! It is quite funny really how much more passionate the American's are and willing to talk about such things compared to the Australians!! In the middle of the converation, which I knew Martin would be enjoying under normal circumsntaces. There have been a few political talks but he has remained silent. Tonight though, he speaks!! "Do you think 9/11 could have been an inside job?" OMG - I am so excited he asked that questions! Usually it would make me cringe a little, but tonight it means he is feeling better and my heart skipped a beat with excitment!!!

We decide tonight that we are going to have a little social get together. We all meet in the little lounge which is conveniently located outside our rooms, and have our own little party! Oh what a wonderful night it has been!! We laughed, talked about everything, less about cancer, and laughed some more!! It was the perfect download that I have needed!!

As I crawl into bed I am content from the night – it was just what my doctor ordered. I am sure sleep wont be such a problem tonight!!

The sun is shining.... but our black cloud is growing!

Tuesday 16 March

The day started off with a spring in ones step. We set out for our morning walk and Starbucks moment. It became obvious that Martin was in no hurry to commence his treatments today. We don’t always have a lot to talk about – I mean how many new and exciting things are happening to us that are worth sharing. Then there is the need to generate conversation and talk about the same things!! So we are both content to talk occasionally and I waffle on about things in true female form making conversation, or looking out at the surroundings making word descriptions in my mind.

As we sit peacefully sipping our tea I begin to assess what it is about this little city that has warmed my heart. As I relax and enjoy I realise – this old sleepy town reminds me of my childhood! I feel like everything about it has stepped me back in the early 1980s in Darwin! I feel at home here – as long as I push out the knowledge of killer drug lords up there in them hills!!

We sat there for about 2 hours and eventually Martin agreed to head back and start his treatments. The doctor came around and told us that at the medical discussions today it was agreed that Martin should commence a type of chemotherapy when we get home. I am not sure whether I am relieved, annoyed, perplexed or concerned about it. Remember that the reason we are here is because chemo offered no hope at home and this treatment is the one Martin has always felt right about doing.

Dr Contreras was doing a presentation before lunch about the treatment plans of Oasis. He is the head the hospital, the son of the original founder. I was so glad to have been able to meet him as well as listen to him talk about the scientific reasons to their treatments and paths that they take. I asked him at the end why some people are offered chemo, when the purpose of this protocol is to avoid it. I was able to tell him what Martin’s cancer was. For the first time since we have been here I felt like things made sense. He said that some cancers do require chemo, and it is not something they suggest to everybody, however the treatment that he has had he will enable his body to make the chemo effective. He disagreed that the omentum will not receive chemo effectively. I think we are both spinning a little bit at the thought of going through that, but seem to feel settled that it is the thing that needs to be done.

As the day of treatments set in, so did a black cloud of heaviness over our room. Martin was depressed (again) and I think I am reaching the end of myself... both in being able to pull him up but also being up to keep myself afloat. Doubt and unbelief are beginning to take hold of my heart and I find myself fighting against thoughts that nothing is going to work – nothing will heal my husband.

Matt and Farrin are leaving in the morning. I am really sad at the thought. Matt gave me the address site he and Jo had set up to help document her story. If you would like to look at it the address is: seizethisday.co.uk As I went back to my room to watch it I was already starting to feel fed-up. I didn’t want to keep talking to Martin and feeling his own frustrations, so I guess in a sense I drowned myself in my own woes! I watched Jo on her youtube videos, filled with hope and determination – regardless of how sick she was! I felt the life flow out of me – she is like I am – positive and believing for good things, yet now she is dead. I do not let Martin know what I am watching or feeling – he has enough battles without me needing to add mine to them! And I do not want him to see the videos of Jo – it is too sad!!

At the end of the heavy day we were sitting at the table in our room together and Martin looks up and me and says “I’m scared”. I begin to cry and tell him that I am too! I am scared that this hasn’t helped, that chemo wont help, that God has turned his face. I am scared of flying home, I am scared of being alone. I am scared!! So much for being strong!! I cannot stop my tears – I am a sobbing mess! As he is giving me a cuddle, I again feel like I am having an out of body experience and am watching a sad romance movie. Oh how I long to push the pause – no stop – button!! I do not want to keep watching this movie!! Can’t we change it and begin to re-enact a modern day version of The Brady Bunch!?!

We need to go and say goodbye to Matt. With eyes that look like strawberry cream puffs we head up to his room to say our farewells. He is smiling but you can feel his anguish. On the bed are the 2 bottles of perfume that Jo wore. He is going to put them, as well as other special things, into a memory box to give to Farrin when she is older. She was cremated today and he has her ashes packed into his suitcase. What a surreal thing to know you are returning alone, but what remains is packed in amongst your clothes!

Out of all of this I have come to the conclusion that women should die before their husbands. Men are so much more equipped to handle it. Yes they are heartbroken. Yes they greive and wish it didn't happen. But they are so much more practical and rational! Matt has made some amazing decisions already. Has remained strong and focused on the tasks at hand. Yes he is grieving but he is also standing and coping.

Martin hasn’t been feeling the best tonight. He didn’t eat very much at dinner time and has been saying he is feeling a little sick. It has been so long since he said that – they are words I do not want to hear!!

I sit in my bed for ages tonight. I do not know if I will get to sleep. I do not know if Martin will get to sleep! My little magic pills don’t seem to work their magic so much so I have decided not to take any for now. I think perhaps my body is used to them – so I am going to stop. I want to make sure they work for the plane next week!!

I have a feeling it’s going to be a long night (again)