I am pondering the question Martin threw at me the other day - is cancer a disease or a deficiency? Do you know that 1 in 3 Americans develop cancer of some sort? If cancer is a disease then what can be done about it? If cancer is a deficiency then what can be done about it? He asked me the question - if someone came to you with scurvy would you pray for them, give them medicine or give them an orange. It is an interesting thought. More and more I am beginning to believe that cancer is not a disease but a deficiency in our diet.
Knowing that Martin will refuse chemo, especially a generic one that will blast his entire body, I know that his help will need to come through the avenue of B17. Problem seems to be that B17 is not so popular with most health professionals, and even if it was popular none of them would be brave enough or able to prescribe it. B17, a natural substance found within many of our foods - such as apricot kernels, apple seeds, and many other fruit and vegetables - has now been made close to illegal within Australia. What a crazy world we live in when you can abort a baby no questions asked, but to adopt one is almost impossible.... where you can have poison pumped into your body to treat sickness, but cannot access an natural alternative because it is 'poison'.
Martin has gone to see Dr H today to ask her about her willingness or ability to get B17 into the country for him. She has done it once before for a young girl who tried it as a last resort. Somehow I don't think she will do it again!! I am reminded of my aunt in Darwin who was trying to arrange it for my dad before he died. Martin phones to ask her if she is willing to help. It is another avenue that we will pursue and it is now apparent to me that God is the God who opens doors that no man can! Lord we need a miracle!!
Singing at church tonight I find myself looking out at Martin. He is looking tired, even from where I stand I can see it etched on his face. I am not sure if it is the result of a late night last night, being back at work, the news that the oncologist has given him or his body struggling to stay abreast of the situation!? I am not sure how I overcome the overwhelming feeling I get when I look at him. My mind is awash with love and fear. I cannot count how many times I have been told by visiting preachers that I am a worrier and God wants me to not fear! Maybe they were all for such a time as this. However, this is a fear unlike any I have ever experienced. Fear has always been within my own imagination... fear of my children drowning... fear of Martin being in a car accident... fear that is associated with intangible events - moments that my mind congers up. This new fear is different - it is as if there is a gun pointed at me from afar, I know it's there but I'm too afraid to look at it but can't seem to take my eyes of it!
Getting ready for bed Martin says that he was watching me on the stage tonight and asked himself what he would be feeling if the situation was reversed and it suddenly dawned on him what I would be facing! He says that he would be terrified at the thought of being a single parent of 4 children. Tears begin to well up in my eyes as I see Benjamin laying down sleeping peacefully on the floor. All I can say, before the sob takes over me, is "I can't be all that he needs, I can't do him alone. He needs you!"
I am not sure whether I am comforted by Martin's acknowledgement of what I am facing... but I am comforted by the scent of him as I lay in his arms and get ready for sleep.
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