I have awoken this morning feeling relatively in control - well as in control as I can possibly hope for. I know that I am at high risk of being a roller coaster of emotions today so I have tried to distract myself in the best way possible.
I have asked my friend Marianne to spend the morning with me and the kids. I want to be out of the house, doing something that takes my mind off the impending appointment this afternoon. I am terrified of finding out any more news and information, but at the same time I am resigned. I told Martin the other night that I felt like I knew what the doctors were going to say - but that doesn't make it any easier to prepare for what they are going to say. I was alright with that statement, until Martin agreed with it and said he too felt that he knew what was going to be said. Well today, despite what is said I want to be thinking about anything else but the words they are going to speak over our lives!
William has been invited out by his friend to go 10 pin bowling. He is excited to be spending some time with friends, and I am feeling blessed to see him finally getting out and enjoying something of his holidays!! We decide that we will all go to the same bowling alley - that way William doesn't feel too anxious about not being close by and I get my desire to get out of the house!
I don't think I have realised how little energy my body seems to have. The 7kg weight loss has been the silver lining in my very dark cloud, but now I am understanding that with it has also come a complete lack luster of energy!! I am not the best bowler, but I usually have a little fun with it... today though after three bowls I am ready to curl up and take my nanna nap! Charlotte with her tiny little arms determined to hold and roll the ball like the rest of us was a reflection of my own feelings of ability. She reminded me of Grover on Sesame Street - her little spindly arms shaking as she tried to muster up some power behind her throw!
The kids are all very satisfied, except for Ben who did not cope well with Grover (aka Charlotte) beating him. We have had a nice morning together and it has been a perfect distraction for me! I have told the kids that it is my time now for a little while and they are happily playing at home while I download to my cyber world. I am feeling very uplifted by friends words of encouragement and the blanket of prayer I can feel over our home today!!
I am not sure what time Martin's appointment is at the hospital, I have told myself it is at 4pm and I should not expect him home before 6pm. This has been working well for me, as it is stopping me from looking at the clock all the time wondering - wondering if he is there yet, does he know yet. My plan was working really well until I hear Martin pulling into the driveway - it is only 1:30pm. OK, not what I expected. Here I am trying to tell myself that I don't know where he's up to, but now he has come home to have a shower and now I am fully aware as he pulls out of the driveway that he is on his way to the hospital!! My bubble is developing a slow leak... like a balloon that you have left over from a party that so slowly loses air, that you don't actually notice it getting smaller!!
We are going out for dinner tonight with our friends who have just come over from Sth Africa - it was a deliberate arrangement to go out with them tonight as it is another way to be distracted and to have someone else to talk to about the results. I continue to hide in the safety of cyber refusing to allow my mind to focus on what Martin might be up to... right up until he phones me at 3:30 asking a question about his last cat scan. Pssssst.... that's the balloon with its slow leak!
I decide to give up on cyber - it's time for a shower!! I am not a bundle of nerves like I feared I would be but I am not a bundle of excitement either. I am trying to work out if I ask him how it went, wait for him to tell me, or ask him in the safety of other people tonight at dinner.
Well I can't wait, as he is driving home at 5:30 I ask how it went. No news. I cannot believe we have just waited two weeks to receive as much information as we knew yesterday. The oncologist, who I think Martin may have off side a little, has said that he has adenocarcinoma (that bit of information is new). They are determined that it is still a secondary cancer in his omentum - the problem is they cannot find the primary. The tests from his operation are meant to lead them to any primary source - but it didn't! I am desperately believing that it is because there is no primary. I do not understand why there has to be another spot!?! I am angry at myself for not being able to be stronger, braver, unable to sit in a doctor's room with him and listen to the prognosis and ask questions! Now I am reliant on Martin relaying all the information to me, and I do not know if it is being withheld! More tests - more waiting!!
Dinner was therapy to the soul. I was sadly unable to eat, but felt myself refreshed by old friendships, good conversation, tears and laughter! It did come out at dinner that the oncologist has basically said there is nothing they can really do for Martin - they could try and give him a dose of chemo, nothing specific if they can't find a primary location, and hope for the best.
For now as I prepare to sleep, I am determined to hold onto my decision that today was a day of distraction, or maybe it is a day of denial, either way as I lay down I am happy to reflect on the friends and happy times.
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