Another very slow morning this morning. My body clock is somewhere between here and Europe! I have always been an early to bed and early risers - the switch is somewhat foreign for me!
William has been invited out to go and play Putt Putt this morning. He seems keen to get out of the house but the others are content knowing that today I am putting on my brave bones and heading to Wet & Wild with my dear friend Felicity and her crew. I am desperately hoping that Martin might be home in time to be able to come with us, I hate the thought of spending much time apart, but I know I need to rally myself for the kids and do something for them.
Waiting for Felicity to arrive I am looking at something on the computer. William sits down next to me and says "I've got some issues". He has been in a joking mood today, so I kind of think that he is making one of his random comments and I have a little laugh with him. He says it again. Ok - slowly getting that he needs to talk to me!! "What's up babe?" I ask. He speaks only one word - "Daddy". Oh God - help me! I need wisdom. I know he is going to ask the unanswerable question - will he be alright? I decide that I cannot make promises that I cannot keep. I do not want to give my children any reason to be angry at me or worse be angry at God. I want them to know that I believe God is a miracle worker but come what may God has us in hand. There is a fine line between faith and wisdom. The two must some how be entwined and co-exist. I tell William that no one can answer the question if anyone with cancer will be alright - no one knows. I tell him that I believe God has shown daddy ways to fight the break in his body and has shown us that He is in the midst of our situation. I tell him that God has promised to comfort us in the valley of death and whatever happens He is caring for us. I tell him that some days I am scared, that I cry and do not know what is going to happen, but always I am believing that it will all be alright.
He seems happier for the talk. I don't think I can say the same about myself! Felicity arrives and I feel like I am depleted of life! I somehow manage to drive us to Wet & Wild, Martin has decided to stay home - he is tired and I understand that he needs to rest, but I am sad he is not with us!! Felicity is a God send to me. Words cannot express the support and strength she has given me throughout this journey. I am not up to swimming, riding on slides or floating in a tube down the stream, but there is no pressure on me. Instead the kids have gone with our friends to enjoy the park and I sit and watch.
After dinner, as the kids watch the 'dive in movie' I begin to tell Felicity the resolve of my heart - I do not want to lose my husband but how I realise there will never come a convenient time for me to part with him, whether it's 1 year or 50 years from now. My fear at the thought of seeing him get sick. We cry together and again I am blessed that God has given me a friend for such a time as this!
I cannot drive home. I have pushed myself as far as I can today. I have had the shakes all afternoon. I am anxious and keen to be home wrapped in the scent of my husband. Felicity drives me home - it is nice to not have to concentrate and try and relax. The kids have fallen asleep in the back seat. The day has been full and they sleep with happy memories!
thanks Pip for keeping us up with whats going on. As heart breaking as it is to read, it's bringing us into what is happening in your world in a very special way.
ReplyDeleteMy love and prayers are with you always.
Nic x
Hi Martin & Phillipa, I rarely frequent Facebook so was not aware of Martins illness until recently and was absolutely floored. It’s just not fair, he’s so young, a wonderful Godly man, I do so believe he’s going to beat this. I just wanted you both to know you are all continually in my thoughts and prayers and am believing for that miracle with you, also His strength and peace for you all daily. Pip I found your story heart wrenching, you’ve shared your heart so honestly that I’m sure God will use it to touch the lives of many (what a gift you have), thank you for this. As you shared it brought tears and many memories back of similar feelings and thought processes when our precious Gerem was with us. You are doing real good hon, keep sharing your heart, keep your family and friends close and most of all love and trust in Him, His grace does carry us through as we take one day at a time. I wish I were there to give you a big hug. Love Dianne
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