Well I am awake and still thinking of Mexico. Lord help me not to become so distracted by potential earthly assistance that I forget to lean on you!! I do wonder how people without Jesus could ever get through these types of situations. Each day I flat line, but each day Jesus comes and breathes life into me again. Even if it is a little puff, it is still enough to start to slow beeping on the monitor. Jesus and friends!!
I am spending the day with my special friend Felicity. I decide I need to shake myself a little bit this morning and I so I make the kids some waffles for breakfast. It is a strange thing to think that once upon a time, not so long ago, the kitchen was actually my favourite place to be. There was always something yummy cooking and now it resembles a bachelor kitchen! The waffles are a smashing hit and were devoid too quickly!! Well it is enough to make the troops happy so I retreat back to my bed.
One thing I miss about the summer house is my ability to hide in my room and the kids content to leave me there. Here, at home, my room feels like their room and the boundaries are hide to redefine! Even my water therapy isn't working as well as the bathroom is communal. I wait for them to be happy and settled in something before I attempt to sneak away but I am sure they have fitted me with a homing beacon and as soon as I get to certain zones in the house it sends out the 'find mummy' alarm!
I arrive at Felicity's. There is such comfort in friendship where one does not have to pretend to be at their finest. My hair is a mess, my eyes have suitcases, not bags, underneath them and the heart monitor is so slow and faint. But my friend welcomes me and loves me despite the fact that right now I have very little to give in return. I feel some what conscious that I am probably really bad company - my usual wit just is not there - but we are distracted by long walks with 7 very loud and excited children. Plus the heat is so extreme that I think most of Brisbane is lack lustre today!
After much deliberation we decide to take the kids for a swim before I head home. Charlotte has just mastered swimming without her floaties - thanks to her daddy spending time with her in our summer house. Left up to me all my kids would all still be in floaties and I am reminded again, as I watch her jumping in and out of the water, that Martin is such a crucial part of their lives!! It is funny how the little things become magnified and how much clearer you see things when faced with the prospect of losing something!
Standing in the car park loading everyone up from the pool, Angus tells me I might want to go home a different way to usual as there was an accident close to my house. My heart does its usual leap to my throat and I quickly call Martin to see if he was alright. He doesn't answer. There it is again, that intangible fear of my imagination that I have lived by for so many years. I push it down. I have big enough hurdles to be jumping, I do not need to put any more in the path!! As I round the corner near home I see his van parked in the carport. Ahhhh, such a sweet sweet sight!
He is sleeping when we come inside. We are suppose to be aiming at getting to church tonight but I do not want to wake him. He does not even stir at the increase in noise levels. I go about making dinner and giving the kids their baths. I have decided that I will not make it to church tonight - I am exhausted and need to be kind to myself. I have had the shakes all afternoon and want to attempt an early night.
Martin eventually wakes, around 7pm, while I am on the phone to centrelink. I am trying to get the ball in motion for him not working and trying to figure out how we might survive for the next 6 months. They need to talk to Martin to confirm that he is intending to claim a sickness or disability allowance. I hear him say 'is it terminal' - a repeat the question they have just asked him. Both of us stare at each other for a split second - how do you answer that?? Doctors say yes, our faith says no!?! He stumbles for words for a moment, and responds with 'well I don't know I guess that's what doctors are saying'. It is the first time either of us have acknowledged that he has a terminal illness. I go to my bed for a moment, just to regroup myself before finishing the phone call with some random person and his cold impersonal questions.
Dinner is done. The day has been lovely. The kids are content. The parents are exhausted!! Mexico is still calling me. My fridge looks like the fruit market over flowing with apricots. One level of my house is clean. For now that is all I can do.
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