Tuesday 12 January

Hello again - sorry I have not written for a few days. I am not sure if it is because I have been packing up our summer home and returning to my reality, catching up with my family who have returned from Europe, running around after the kids and trying to cope semi-solo or because I am exhausted?! Whatever the reason (which I think it is a combination of all of my excuses) I am back!

As mentioned, we have moved back home - a strange thing. One filled with contentment at being in our own space, but once which has given me a slightly strange sense of anxiety. I am not sure why - perhaps home represents too much my family unit and the reality of its rug being pulled out from under me! The kids have been very content to be back, although we are all missing certain perks of the summer house!!

The weekend was fairly uneventful, except for my family's return from Europe. I was so happy to see them - laughter and tears all round! My brave soldiering husband, who tries so hard to push through and go unnoticed, was exhausted all weekend and slept most of Saturday and Sunday away. It is funny how much my selfish reactions have been stomped on. Once upon a time I would have been bent that he slept while I continued to run around after 4 kids exhausted... now I find I am wanting to see him there sleeping peacefully - anything to try and help his body!

Monday I managed a sleep in - a rare experience these days and my first for the school holidays! I was rather proud of myself that I had managed such a feat. Upon waking and walking down the stairs to my lounge room I could no longer deny the fact that my home looks like it is the finished result of a terrorist bomb blast! I attempt to address it - shifting a few piles from here to there, and then back to from there to here. Nope -it's just not happening today. I did have good intentions, but at 11:00 Martin walked through the front door - completely unexpected and totally welcomed! He looked terribly! I am not sure if I could say he was white, green or yellow as his face seemed to have multi-tones to it! Something happened to the job he was meant to be installing and he was unable to do it - praise God! He slept for most of the day!

Well that brings me up to today - Tuesday.

I wake with Martin at 5:30 - it is my plan to try and attack the terrorist site before the kids wake up. I attempted to do some re-arranging last night and my well meaning daughters decided that their ideas were always better than mine - 'put the chairs here', 'why are you doing that mummy', 'I like the flowers here'. It proved too hard so this morning I am busily rearranging the lounge room before they wake up. I do not find I have a lot of energy, and run low fairly easily, but having some time without the bombardment of the children (as delightful as they are) really does refresh me. Martin and Stef leave for work at 7am. Martin had a bad night last night. I am not sure either of us got much sleep. He is looking fragile today - holding himself carefully, tired and still being brave and determined! I talk to Stef and tell him that Martin isn't very good today and ask him to please not let him do much and make sure he drinks a lot. He has a pain in his left kidney area and I would hate for him to get dehydrated in the heat! After promises from both the boys they set off for another days work.

I have done the lounge room! Something about rearranging furniture inspires one to go forth with the mission of cleaning when you would usually really not feel like it! An hour later, at 8:30, Martin and Stef walk in the front door. I ask Martin what he had forgotten and then he told me that the job hadn't been unloaded from the truck and wasn't on for today. I know that I should be stressed about the fact that we have no income at present, but I am too relieved that he is home and God has once again orchestrated his work to enable him the rest he is requiring. I strongly believe that God has made it possible for Martin to be home so then I must also strongly believe that God will be Jehovah Jireh- My Provider!

Martin is in a bad way! He has terrible pain and cannot seem to stop sleeping! I spend the morning being very worried him and decide that he needs the doctor's appointment that I had today for himself. I was going to brave going to see Dr H today to ask her for some information about the ins and outs of Martin's condition and am ladened with questions about it - 'who is meant to be looking after him', 'what about the fluid in his body' and 'what can I do to help myself eat and sleep'!! While I have started to eat - small meals (mainly lunch) - I am still not really very tolerant. I find if I eat quickly, without ceasing, then at least I get more into me before I start to feel sick! If I eat slowly then it only takes a few mouthfuls before I stop! Oh well, on a positive note - I hope my friends have shares in Sorbent toilet paper because I am sure their profits are soaring over the past 6 weeks!!

Martin sleeps from the time he gets home until it is time to go back to see Dr H. I drive to the doctor seriously convinced that there is a good change he is going to end up back in hospital. He sounds terrible, looks terrible and is feeling worse!

Dr H asks what's been happening and he explains the pain in what we believe is his left kidney. Well it turns out it is probably his lung - his whole body seems bloated with fluid. When the 'spring test' is done on his ribs I almost burst into tears at the pain that is etched on Martin's face! Lots of phone calls to the hospital, speaking to the oncologist, talking to our contact at Cancer Care and Dr H desperately wondering what was meant to be done next. Martin needs a cat scan to check the fluid levels in his body, but cannot afford to be exposed to unnecessary levels of radiation! It is decided that he can wait until next Friday, which is when he is spending the day in an x-ray room having his entire body scanned for more tumors! Dr H admits that medically it is not looking good for him. The oncologist has said he has 'wide spread' infiltration. We argue that the oncologist knows this information considering they still can't find a primary source, but either way it makes me cry! I have never felt such desperation in my soul. My control freak nature has been sat on and trampled. Even if I wanted to take charge of the situation, there is nothing I could do, sell or arrange that could help! I know my family is solely in the hands of God. Dr H tells Martin that he must stop working for 6 months. I could hug her!! Martin thinks the whole idea is insane - we have no money and bills starting to pile up around our nostrils - but he agrees considering the amount of pain he is in and the exhaustion he is feeling. I believe that with the avenue he has chosen of consumption of B17 married with complete rest, he stands a fighting chance. I remind him that some doctors even induce comas in order to allow extreme cases to sleep without added stress on the body and its healing process.

Driving home we seek out a fruit shop - it's time to stock up on some more apricots! Praise God we find one that is selling them for $2.99kg!! I don't care if they taste good - we only want the kernels!! We walk out with 10kg worth. Everyone thinks we are jam makers - maybe I should learn how to make it - I know my Grandma used to make a wicked apricot jam! Maybe I could sell it for $1 a jar and put it towards the 'keep the Cables alive' fund!

I take Martin home for a rest and some quiet time and go over to mum's to collect the kids. It is nice to have her back and such a blessing to leave the kids with her!! I stay for a while and have a cup of tea, talk about the doctors, our options and what next. All I know is, Martin needs rest and I will need to work. Selling our house might be necessary. Medication that he needs doesn't seem to be in Australia so maybe we will be going to Mexico to get the medication! It all seems to much to take in now. I am numb. My senses have adapted to the constant spinning that goes on around me, my emotions have run dry and all that remains is numbness. I see myself like a heart monitor on a dying patient... beep.... beep....... beep............ beep. Time getting longer between each beep until finally the long constant beep that sounds when a person flat lines. I have stopped beeping. Now I can feel myself drifting into auto-pilot existing!

I am desperate tonight to regroup my family. Martin and I gather the kids up and go out for some family fun. It was just what we needed. We return home with laughter and I am reminded that for now we are a happy family unit! I do not want to get so distracted by all that is going around me and forget that for now we are 6 and we are blessed.

I lay in bed, Martin falls asleep quickly, the kids are sleeping on my floor. My mind is racing between real estate agents and Mexico. I wish my mind would flat line along with my emotions!!