Yesterday was church - time to put our brave faces on and time to see people who may, or may not, want to know what's happening with Martin. We were both feeling a little anxious about it all - still very much wanting to hide away from the real world! We were sitting in the car wondering if we could find a cloak of invisibility but alas we had left it at home! I find it helpful now to cry in my own safety bubble - bed, shower or under a tree - before I have to go somewhere that will possible conger up emotions, that way when I am in a public environment I have no more emotion to give. The down side to this is it would seem every where I go and every time people see me I look and act like a dead fish. Oh well - as long as I don't smell like one!! So we walk into church and place our stuff down on our chairs... 2 minutes later some dear dear friends of ours walk through the door. This was completely unexpected!! They have just arrived here from South Africa after pastoring a church there for a number of years. We knew they were coming to down shortly but had no idea that we would see them today. Perfect timing!! It was so comforting to see them there - especially for Martin!
Pastor preached on numbering our days. I found it a little bit too close to home for me at this point of my life. I ask God to extend my days and extend those of my husband!
Monday
I have awoken today alone. It is the first real day that Martin has gone back to work since his operation. He is going without a helper but has promised it is a very easy small job!! I am still somewhat apprehensive about him working yet, and especially without any form of help!
It is Monday, and it does seem to be the day that I clean up from the weekend and get organised for another week. This week I know there will be some holes that appear in my safety bubble that I have been hiding in! Tomorrow is looming over my head a little bit and I know I need to keep myself busy!! So today I am cleaning a little.
I am covered in a rash - it is all over my arms and belly. It looks like I have German measles - but I know I don't! It started late last night and it seems to be coming up and down through the day. I am sure it is stress related, but not quite sure what I'm suppose to do about that! More showers I guess!!??
I have been touched today by friends near and far who have been reading my blog and sending me comments. I may not get to reply to each of you, but please know that each comment has touched me deeply. I love the feeling that I am not really typing blindly into cyberspace but now I am actually talking to you - my friends and my supporters! It is nice not to feel alone and isolated!!
Martin seems to be gone forever today! He has this naughty habit of ignoring his phone when he is stressed and trying to get away. I can understand his thinking with it, but it always sends me into a spiral of frustration and now concern! I am worried about him pushing himself and not having anyone there to fall back on to help!
Finally a phone call!! It is 3:30 and he has been gone for 9 hours! Poor thing - he sounds terrible. I have a slight reaction of his 9 hour silence but then let it go - he sounds smashed!! He is a sight for sore eyes as I see him pull into the drive way.
It is time to go shopping for food. Words cannot express how much I hate this now. I feel like all my self confidence and know how has been cast to the wind and I am 19 again, just married, with no idea on what is right and wrong to buy! What should take me 30 minutes takes me an hour. I read ever label - too much sugar... vegetable oil... preservatives... IS THERE ANYTHING SAFE TO EAT?!?! I am trying to keep myself under control. Not sure I am doing a good job of anything anymore. My last stop is the fruit shop. It's time to buy some medicine. Apricots. Lots of apricots!!! I am ladened with 7kgs of them. I still don't feel like I've done enough. I am paying the lady at the fruit shop and want to shake her... "Don't you realise that my husband has cancer!! Hello - all he can do for it is eat apricots!!!" It is a strange thing when you are in an emotional inner turmoil. The world spins and people in it function and no one knows or seems to care that your world is spinning in a different direction.
I hop into my car and try to gather myself before I go home. I log into Facebook to have a download before I head home. A lovely friend from America has written to me to let me know that when I sleep she is praying for me! I cannot stop my tears. The comfort that the thought brings to me is amazing. I cry all the way home - a result of my inadequacy at shopping now, the blow to my confidence in doing what I have always done best - cooking, the enormity of our situation and the amazement of friends and God's goodness!
Tomorrow I have filled my day with activity of some sort - not sure yet what that will entail, as long as it's not sitting at home thinking of the results that are impending!!
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