Thursday 10 December

Not a lot to write about today. We attempted to go to the library but that was a bit of an epic fail!

Tonight the two older kids, William and Sophie, and I had practice for our "Christmas with a hip hop twist" musical. I find it difficult being there, as apart from one or two people, I feel very alone with my current burden. Everything in me wants to cry, talk and be vulnerable but I can't - not here!

As we are heading home I tell William and Sophie that they will be going back to our friend Felicity's house in the morning. Mum and Dad have something to do in the city. It is getting harder to keep things hidden from them, they are getting too old to not pick things up. They begin to push me about where we are going and I remain non-committal. It wasn't until William asked me straight on the back of it how Ryan is doing since his daddy died (the same friend that I shared about at the beginning of my story). I knew at that point that William's mind was anxious and I had to say something! I asked them if they had been worried since Ryan's daddy died and their words begun to flow! It turns out they go to bed every night talking to each other about it - Ryan's daddy died, their daddy discovered a lump, daddy goes to doctor, daddy gets x-rays "WHAT'S WRONG WITH DADDY?" I try and hold back my tears and to act like I am in control of my own emotions and thoughts!! "We don't know what's wrong with him, we know he has a lump and they are trying to work out what it could be. Don't worry - it's going to be ok! Remember, if you are anxious that God is always there and you can always talk to mummy about it!"

I tuck everyone into bed and wonder how I will ever go if I have to tell them that it's not going to be ok!

Tomorrow we head to the specialist - I am terrified!!