Friday 11 December

Specialist Day!! Oh God give me wings that I may fly like an eagle!

I drive the kids out to Felicity's. This gives me almost half an hour on my way home alone to pray and ask God to strengthen my weary spirit. I had a good cry - best to do it now than bottle it up and let it out in the drs!

We went into town in two seperate cars. Martin is planning to go straight to work after seeing the dr. I'm having a hard time with that, but then again, I'm having a hard time with everything right now!!

The Dr seems like a nice guy - he isn't a lot older than Martin - maybe mid 40s. I notice he has a framed photo of his family on his desk - 4 boys - they look similar in age to my children. That is comforting - he will understand what is at stake here!! He looks at the cat scan films (not the letter) and stares silently at them for eternity. I knew right then that he would have nothing good to say.... oh please support my worm/tree theory!! He puts the films away, gets Martin onto the table to feel around his stomach - more silence. He starts to feel Martin's lymph gland areas and both Martin and I knew - words didn't need to be spoken - he thinks Martin has cancer!

He sits Martin back down, I do not think I can look the dr in the eye, I am trying to remain calm but the snowball has overtaken me and I think it is now covering my mouth so I can't breathe properly!! "I have to say I'm very worried" he said - words and expression combined I will never forget! "You look it" said Martin! Water - I need water! Slow sips, shaking legs, OMG this isn't us sitting here! He begins to talk about what he is thinking it could be - possibly bowel, stomach, both, or some lymphmatic malignancy of some sort. I am no longer spinning it is the world that is spinning too fast and I am standing still.... I am not sure how I slow it down or jump back in an join it, I am stuck, paralysed! I am no medical student, but there are a few things I do know - cancer in the lymph area is NOT GOOD! Dr Bryant gives us a couple of options - we can have a private endoscopy and colonoscopy done next Tuesday (it will cost around $1000) or we can wait until Christmas eve and have it done through the public system. Well neither of us want to have bad news before Christmas and having to wait almost 2 weeks is torture! Although we cannot afford it, we have booked in for Tuesday. The dr continues talking to Martin about the results - blood tests can mean nothing - especially if it is a lymphmatic condition. He begins to talk about Martin's liver count and suggests that under a microscope he may already have spots on his liver. At this point, I know I can cope with no more. I excuse myself and walk out of the surgery and into the hallway of the hospital corridors.

I am shaking like a leaf. I send my text messages to the people who have been supporting me, mum, Sara, Felicity and my pastor's wife Tash. "Not good, dr thinks he has cancer". I figure the fast spin of the world isn't going to stop in a hurry and I curl up in a ball on a chair and sob my heart out.

Martin comes out, I am not sure whether he is really registering any of this. He is definitely thinking about it all, but I just don't think he gets it! He heads off to work, fortunately with Stef, and I have arranged to have a coffee with Tash. I need some time to gather myself before collecting my babies!

I spoke to Mum in France and told her the update. Cried to my sister. Cried.... cried.... cried!

I had a nice coffee with Tash. There is very little that people can tell you at these times that bring you comfort, but kindness and friendship is definitely a comfort even without words!

I was given a word years ago from a preacher that said that my fragility was before the Lord and he saw how fragile I am. It has been going over and over in my mind the past day or so. I am then reminded that God promises not to give us a burden more than we can carry. Ok - Lord, you know I'm fragile and you promise to not overburden us - I think I have as much as I can carry now Lord! It is a hard feeling to describe the weaving of emotions at these times. Through it all, regardless of my fear, I know God is holding me. I am not scared about where we will be a year from now - I am scared about the road ahead for now. Every time I think of the road, I see my dying father's face and feel nothing but anxiety that I would ever have to see Martin looking so sick! It is more than I can bare!

By the time I get to Felicity's I am merely a shell. I am emotionally empty! Shock has set in!

I smile to the kids, give them hugs, tell them all is well and we head home. I told them daddy had to go to the doctor in the city, nothing bad or important. I am not sure what I am suppose to do as far as the kids are concerned. I do not want to add to their anxiety but I hate being dishonest.

Tonight the kids have their Sunday school sleep over. They have been excited about this for weeks! I am running on autopilot as I pack their bags and drive them to the necessary locations. While waiting for it to start I receive a phone call from Sara, more crying. I sometimes think I will never stop. I leave the kids with a kind friend, the Sunday school teacher, and head home.

Martin has finished his day of work by the time I arrive. It will be just us tonight. Under normal circumstances we would be soaking up the moment, putting on our dancing shoes, and going on a date. Tonight we know we should do something, but neither of us know if we have it in us. I have some shower therapy time to try and replenish myself. Nope not even that seemed to help tonight! We decide that going out to dinner is a waste of time, I can't eat food and have been fasting for 8 days, and Martin is now on a special diet in preparation for his procedure next Tuesday. We decide to head out for some cold rock ice-cream!

It was nice to sit on an outdoor bench near the shops, eat our ice-cream and talk. It is strange to talk about the events going on around us - I don't want to talk death and I don't think Martin is sure what to think about any of it!

We decide to make the most of the peace at home and we have an early night. I have never been so emotionally wrung out - exhaustion takes over and I sleep!