Well I awoke today with the usual routine - running to the toilet for the start of the diaherra! I am looking forward to church. I need to be revived. I have started the day feeling very anxious, so as per my anti-anxiety self help guide I have written myself, I head to the floor of a very hot shower. This has become a ritual that I practise several times a day (I know I am not very support of the current environmental push!) I find it a soothing time - a place on my own - to sit, cry and pray! It's funny, but the shower is the main place where I feel God talk to me personally. Perhaps it is the only time in my busyness that I actually stop long enough to listen!! He has given me comfort and revelations on this shower floor and if this is what it takes, then God send the rain to replenish the water supply!! The other day I had the revelation that the same blood which I know saves me is the same blood which I know heals our bodies. I do not question my salvation and God's promise that I am saved through the cross, nor do I feel the need to beg, cry and plead for it - it is a simple prayer and the rest is done through faith. Why then should I doubt or feel any differently for Martin's healing - it is the same process. Save me oh God and I will be saved. Heal me oh God and I will be healed. Simple - ask and you shall receive.
Today my shower revelation is the man who says to Jesus "Lord I believe, help my unbelief". This scripture has always perplexed me a little bit - just one of those oxy-moron type things. I began to ponder it and realised it was the very same way I was. I believe in my heart that God can and will heal Martin now it is my mind that needs help to believe. Feeling encouraged that God has given me my daily bread I decide to conserve some water until it is needed again.
Walking into church this morning was overwhelming. Martin and I had come in seperate cars as he needed his work van. I walked in by myself and felt terribly alone. Sad that you can be surrounded by people who you know and see so often yet still feel alone. Unable to smile the smile I do every week to hide my inner struggles and insecurities I find myself running out the door crying! Sometimes we just need to let that little bit of pent up emotion out just a little to regain the ability to act normal!
Today's blessing - Pastor preached from the exact scripture that God gave me in the shower this morning!! It is a wonderful feeling in the midst of my bewilderment to know that God is ever present and desperately trying to get through to me!
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