Monday 7 December

Well for some reason I have woken up for the past few mornings half awake/half asleep reading Martin's eulogy. It is a horrible thing to wake up to - especially because he is still breathing and awake next to me!! Still there is a benefit in it, as each day I wake up and realise what a great man, father, provider and Godly companion he is.

Growing up in a home of divorce and contention, I think I am beginning to realise that despite my Christian upbringing and faith, divorce has always been an option in the back of my mind. I have always held the belief that if it was needed it would be alright. I turned out alright (despite a few twitches here and there) and therefore I held the view that if I was fed up and left my husband that my kids would also turn out alright. Looking death down the barrel it is slowly dawning on me how wrong my thinking has been. It is no longer about me and my personal sense of happiness and satisfaction - although with my attitude aligned correctly I know those two things will result - but it is about a bigger picture.... my children!! I contemplate each morning, after involuntarily reading Martin's eulogy, what their lives would be like without him. I realise now how many times I say "I don't know - but daddy will".... I am acutely aware of how much he invests in them and brings the fun into their day. I know now, that not only is divorce not an option, but living without him is also not an option. We all need him.

With this in mind I am not coping well this morning as Martin leaves for work. The thought of him having a mass so large inside of him that it can be felt from the outside is horrid. Drs believe it is either all through the bowel or all through the stomach. I hate the thought of him lifting and bending all day to make someone else happy with a new kitchen, while I sit in the corner of my kitchen and rock like I have escaped from the local mental institute!

I try and busy myself with the children this morning. I am usually a good little mummy (most of the time) and enjoy their company. But the past week it has been more of a challenge - I want to lock myself away with Martin like we did in the first few years of our relationship, prior to children, and ignore the rest of the world. But being school holidays it is hard to find the 'head space' I am dreaming of! Sophie declared today her indignation that I have not cooked a 'proper' meal since the holidays begun. Well I thought I was doing well considering I have barely eaten for almost a week and can hardly stand up!! I set out to redeem myself today. I spent time with Charlotte picking roses from mummas garden and vasing them up. She loves the garden - unlike me! - so she is enjoying the experience of leaves, mosquitos and dirt all over her feet as we water the vast areas on the 'must water list'. Oh please Lord send the rain not only to replenish the dams for my stress relief showers, but also to water my mother's garden!!

Martin got home early today which was great!! He rang Dr B to ask about the hospital, as we are still waiting to hear something. OMG Dr B has gone on holidays!!! He didn't feel the need to mention this on Friday when I was speaking to him. How could a doctor tell his patient that he probably has cancer oozing out of his stomach and regions beyond and then disappear to the beach for a week without a word!! Ok it's time for my practical indignation to surface again. That's it! Dr B is gone and bring in my favourite Dr H. She is a whole different kettle of fish and we should have gone there first in hindsight! Dr H is a very proactive doctor, but sometimes her manner can be a little overwhelming and when you go there for a snotty nose she can tend to have you feeling like you need to race to the hospital! In this case I decide that if anyone was going to shove the hospital along it would be her!

After being told that Dr H was booked out for a week, we push and explain the situation a little harder. OK - we are in to see her tomorrow at 12:30pm. Suddenly I have a safer feeling.... Dr H will look after us!