I took a sleeping tablet last night. I think my body is having a hard time adjusting to its circumstance! It took almost 2 hours before the tablet began to take effect!! I have woken up this morning slightly more refreshed but feeling like I really want to stay in bed!!
A friend has sent me a link to buy some apricot kernels. It seems hopeful and will definitely help in terms of storage space in my fridge!! At the moment Martin is eating 140 kernels a week!! That's a lot of apricots!!
I do not like to cry at church - I never have really - I'm not sure why, but I always try and hold myself in form when I am there. I know it is probably wrong and people would much prefer real people with real weakness and emotions. I'm just not sure I am the one to break the cycle of control! So I know today I need to find the mask of bravery before I step out of the house!!
It was a good morning and I have enjoyed talking to some friends. Martin is keen to head home - he has work tomorrow and I am guessing he is tired. William has a friend come home with him and the intention is that Martin will take them out to the football game this afternoon. Once lunch is done I can tell that Martin shouldn't be going anywhere - he looks blah!! I convince William that it's too hot for football and instead I will take them to ma's house for a swim.
Back to my mum's we go. If it wasn't for the mosquito plague in her back yard I should probably just pitch a tent! I was rather needy of a sleep this afternoon, but I push through and lay on the bed while the kids swim. I am blessed that Charlotte went to some one's house, so it is not only very peaceful but I also don't have to watch any of them in the pool!!
I go home at 5pm to pick up Martin to go back to church. He is still sleeping and wakes with a jump when I gently wake him. As he begins to dress, he realises that he just can't do it. Emotionally the physical is beginning to take over. I have been on an emotional rollercoaster since this journey begun, but he has remained stoic - strong and consistent. Today, as he sits on the edge of our bed, he looks like a young boy - confused, emotional and unsure about anything.
Pushing back my tears, I try to appear unaffected. He is allowed to have chinks and weaker moments - I do not want him to feel like he can't show vulnerability. It is not right that I am the one who is emotionally unsound. He has been my rock on so many occasions - now it is my turn to try and be strong for him.
I take the kids to church. I confess that even when I take my requests to God all I can offer him is "Lord, I have no words to give, no fight left to fight. My mustard seed feels like it has shrivelled so much you would need a magnifying glass to see it! But God, here I am - lay my burdens at your cross and fill me once again". I do not feel up to the loud enthusiastic preaching tonight. I need soul soothing not fire lighting stuff. Mum takes me for a walk over the road and buys me a Pad Thai - I think she may be trying to fatten me up. I am not going to complain - it was lovely to sit outside, look into the heavens and connect to Jesus with my mummy by my side!
When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I... I get washed with the enormity of my situation but God constantly brings me reassurance - whether its in his soft still voice, the kindness of a word, or a friend recommending a site to explore or a song to listen to. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGMOKBki56k
Another sleeping tablet tonight. I need to try and build up my reserves.
God is good! Another day is done!!
I do not like to cry at church - I never have really - I'm not sure why, but I always try and hold myself in form when I am there. I know it is probably wrong and people would much prefer real people with real weakness and emotions. I'm just not sure I am the one to break the cycle of control! So I know today I need to find the mask of bravery before I step out of the house!!
It was a good morning and I have enjoyed talking to some friends. Martin is keen to head home - he has work tomorrow and I am guessing he is tired. William has a friend come home with him and the intention is that Martin will take them out to the football game this afternoon. Once lunch is done I can tell that Martin shouldn't be going anywhere - he looks blah!! I convince William that it's too hot for football and instead I will take them to ma's house for a swim.
Back to my mum's we go. If it wasn't for the mosquito plague in her back yard I should probably just pitch a tent! I was rather needy of a sleep this afternoon, but I push through and lay on the bed while the kids swim. I am blessed that Charlotte went to some one's house, so it is not only very peaceful but I also don't have to watch any of them in the pool!!
I go home at 5pm to pick up Martin to go back to church. He is still sleeping and wakes with a jump when I gently wake him. As he begins to dress, he realises that he just can't do it. Emotionally the physical is beginning to take over. I have been on an emotional rollercoaster since this journey begun, but he has remained stoic - strong and consistent. Today, as he sits on the edge of our bed, he looks like a young boy - confused, emotional and unsure about anything.
Pushing back my tears, I try to appear unaffected. He is allowed to have chinks and weaker moments - I do not want him to feel like he can't show vulnerability. It is not right that I am the one who is emotionally unsound. He has been my rock on so many occasions - now it is my turn to try and be strong for him.
I take the kids to church. I confess that even when I take my requests to God all I can offer him is "Lord, I have no words to give, no fight left to fight. My mustard seed feels like it has shrivelled so much you would need a magnifying glass to see it! But God, here I am - lay my burdens at your cross and fill me once again". I do not feel up to the loud enthusiastic preaching tonight. I need soul soothing not fire lighting stuff. Mum takes me for a walk over the road and buys me a Pad Thai - I think she may be trying to fatten me up. I am not going to complain - it was lovely to sit outside, look into the heavens and connect to Jesus with my mummy by my side!
When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I... I get washed with the enormity of my situation but God constantly brings me reassurance - whether its in his soft still voice, the kindness of a word, or a friend recommending a site to explore or a song to listen to. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGMOKBki56k
Another sleeping tablet tonight. I need to try and build up my reserves.
God is good! Another day is done!!
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