Monday 21 December

I wake up this morning, pray and ask God to keep my brave bones in place. I am feeling alright, a little more knotted than yesterday but alright. Martin is meant to be going to theatre at 8:30. He sent me a text at 6:30 to say they had woken him up and he needed to shower and get ready. I'm so glad that he is at the top of the list and not going to be waiting all day!!

William and Sophie have gone to spend the day with some of their special friends. It is a nice distraction for them and stops them worrying so much about their daddy. Felicity is being a saint and helping me to finish the last of my Christmas shopping. I am feeling about as festive as The Grinch. I am so glad that I listened to the prompting I felt to get my shopping done before the school holidays started - I would be a wreck if I was only just getting started now! I hate shopping!! I should walk around saying "Bah Humbug" just to express our I am feeling. I love Christmas and given my children gifts is the greatest joy - but this year I am just not feeling the festivity!!

I start to feel myself weaken at lunch time. I have not spoken to Martin for a few hours and I would think that he should be finished by now. I called the hospital and they confirmed that he was still in theatre - not sure whether that means it's all happening now or if he is in recovery. Well, my brave bones have done me well, but now they are showing signs of osteoporosis!!

Ladened with our shopping and feeling a little more confident that everyone will have a present to open it's time to go home! I finally get a text from Martin at 2pm - I'm out - was all it said. It's enough for me - he is alive, it is over!! I cook dinner for my family and Felicity's... it is the least I can do after all she has done! Once it is all under control, I am back in the car heading to the hospital. I am terribly anxious driving in and I am giving myself a talking to... just remember it's only an operation - he will be groggy - it's normal!!

I am so relieved to walk around the corner and see his face and our pastor's face!! I am glad to have someone else here to get me over the initial hurdle of seeing Martin. He looks very pale. The nurse comes in and decides he needs to go back on oxygen - his oxygen levels are low. Colour starts to come into his face as he doses in and out of his delirium! I so enjoy sitting there holding his hand watching him sleep. I feel peaceful and he looks peaceful. I made the silly mistake of reading his chart while he slept. I knew even as I picked it up that I shouldn't do it to myself but I did! I am glad now that doctors have such terribly writing. I cant understand most of it - but I do understand 'large mass in the omentum cake'. That's enough I shut the chart, grab my bottle of water and go to the toilet (again!) Martin is awake when I return, looking a lot clearer in his eyes. I think he is coming back a little more to the land of the living.

It is a blessing to know my children are with such a dear friend, safe and happy. I feel blessed that I could sit with Martin until 9pm keeping him company and feeling myself reconnect with him. It has felt like years since we were this close to one another!

I don't think sleep will be easy tonight. The past 2 days have been easier than I thought - but tomorrow brings news that I'm not sure I am ready for!!