I'm up, tired and ready to go. I don't know if I had much sleep last night but I feel in control today. It is time to free our friend's up to enjoy their holiday and for me to gather my brood and head home! I thought it might be nice to give them a treat and we head to McDonalds for breakfast. As we walk in the door of McDonalds Martin called me to say hello. The doctor had just been to see him. They want him to stay in until they get the results. Because of the time of year and all the Christmas/New Year holidays they wont be able to help him next week. Usually the results take 7-10 days, so I have a little panic that it means he will be there for that long. The drs are rushing things along and want to try and get results today. I ask him if they suggested anything to him on what it could be. Yep, still treating it as cancer. He started to tell me that they are sending in an oncologist to talk to him, a dietitian and anyone else they feel he is needing.
I am standing in the middle of McDonalds and I can feel the grip around my chest getting tighter. Oh God help me! I can't fall apart in the middle of McDonalds, with my children watching and no one around to come and pick me up!! I somehow manage to order their breakfast and leave them there while I find a quiet spot to call Sara. I cry, gulp for air, and tell her that Martin has cancer! What, oh Lord, what am I going to tell my children!?!
I some how manage to get through breakfast and head home. I cannot stop crying. I shouldn't be surprised, we have been told to expect this but it doesn't make it any easier!! I know that my faith can move mountains and I'm not sure why the mountain is still standing there!!
I recover myself and wait for Peter and Marianne to come and follow me up to the hospital. I know I am not strong enough to do this trip alone!! With the kids happy with Peter and Marianne's girls we convoy up to the hospital. I am knotted and a little unsure how I will go. I have told Peter that I do not want to speak to any doctors and should there be any around I will walk away - I am not ready!!
Martin looks very bright and happy when we walk in. I sit on the bed, probably looking more fragile than he is feeling! Within 5 minutes of sitting there, a lady in plain clothes pops her head in to Martin. "How you feeling? Has Palliative Care come to see you yet?" OMG - world spinning, can't breathe, it's hot in here, can't breathe! I begin to fan myself being sure not to catch anyone's eyes. I don't want to see looks of sympathy or for anyone to see my pure fear! I walk out and grab onto the hand railing at the end of the ward. I cannot walk another stop - my legs will not carry me any further. I see Marianne approaching and I some how fall into her arms, I am no longing trying to be self controlled or reserved about being vulnerable. I am sobbing. The lady, who in two words just sent my world into a deathly spiral, walks over and asks me if I'm alright. Well what do you think - I am 35, married to a man I have loved for 16 years, have 4 children and you are talking to him about palliative care! Of course I'm not alright!!! "No" was all I could muster. She asked me if I wanted to talk to the doctors. "No" was again my only word. She takes me into her office, it turns out she is the head nurse for the ward, and begins to tell me it's not good news. They don't have all the results, but the ones they have aren't good. I'm not sure I want to hear this. All I can say is "he's young, I'm young, he seems so healthy"... hallow words that really do not hold weight or change circumstance. Marianne ushers me out and remains with the nurse. I think she is wanting to clarify some things with the nurse. Being in palliative care she understands the weight and gravity of what this all means. Marianne is back by my side. I have managed to find a little chair which I have curled myself up into a ball. Tears are flowing and I am unaware of the people around me, except anyone who resembles a doctor, I am ready to pounce should one of them approach me! I have had enough for one day! Martin comes out looking brave and strong, but I cannot seem to look at him that way, I see a shadow cast over him marred by the uncertainty of the future. He assures me it's all ok, that the nurse has no idea what she's talking about! The oncologist was happy it seems contained for now. I'm not sure I know who to believe or if people are trying to just stop me from having a nervous breakdown in the middle of 9A South!
We decide to head downstairs for a coffee. I attempt a cup of tea, but think water is probably my only safe point right now. Martin is sitting there telling us how he will be going to work tomorrow. The man has 3 holes in his stomach, has just been told he has cancer and is on pain killers and thinks he is working tomorrow!! I think perhaps he is still delusional from the medication or in denial at his body's capabilities! Marianne is urging Peter to try and convince Martin that he can't work! I am telling both of them that they are wasting their time - Martin will be determined to do it! Within 5 minutes of sitting down and the bantering of to work or not to work Martin's phone rang. It was his work. It appears, at a freak occurrence, that the jobs which he is scheduled to do on Wednesday and Thursday have somehow fallen out of the truck and smashed into pieces!! Don't you just love how God can send his angels to do things to straighten your path!! Martin is convinced now that he really shouldn't be working for the rest of the week! I am convinced that God is still very much in the midst of our troubles and am reminded to not trust in my own understanding but to trust in Him and he will make my path straight!!
I leave Martin at the hospital with Peter and Marianne and I head back home. I don't think I can cope much more with the place and do not want to be around when the doctors come with the results. The rain has started and it is pouring like the dam of heaven has been unblocked! I go straight to my hot shower, prayer, cry and gather my thoughts. I am devoid of all strength. I climb into bed and lay looking out at the amazing storm that is pulling down branches! It is a summary of how I am feeling!!
When Martin arrives home the kids are very keen to know what has been happening. Peter and Marianne have left, leaving behind a meal for us that they have cooked! I am blessed beyond belief that I do not have to think about cooking! We are a little broke at the moment, with Christmas, unexpected medical expenses and Martin's work being erratic so I am grateful not to have to do take-away! God has given us key people at this point of our lives that have really ministered and met our needs on so many different levels. I am in awe of the goodness of God's heart!
The time has come to talk to the children. I did not think my heart could break any more today. It has been a very difficult day and I didn't think any thing else could make it worse! They are all sitting down their eyes darting from Martin to me. I am looking down, I have been told to not do the talking. Martin wants no negative words spoken, no talk of death and no doom and gloom. I sit and smile trying to convince the children that I am not worried about anything! Martin begins "I have been to the hospital, and I will probably have to go back in a couple of months, doctors aren't 100% sure yet what it all is, but they have an idea". William straight away asks the question "do you have cancer?" I can see his little body starting to shake and it gets stronger as Martin says "yes". He is crying, big tears falling through his fingers and onto his knees. "I knew it" he said over and over. Benjamin asks if Martin is going to die, once he hears the words no he is happy and ready to go back and play. Charlotte is blissfully unaware but aware at the same time - it is a strange thing to see not a light on but more of a soft glow! Sophie has a delayed reaction, holding herself together until the two of us are alone. She places her head in my lap and sobs and sobs and sobs. I find myself telling her and William that cancer doesn't have to mean death and that it's going to be alright. Knowing all awhile that my faith is but a mustard seed and I only wish I could be as convinced as I sound.
Tonight I have given up the fight. I have taken a valium. My body has had more than it can handle and I need sleep! Christmas is in 3 days and somehow I want to make it special. I want it to count! I am glad for the medication taking me into a deep slumber!
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