The day has not started out well! It is pouring with rain, just like the movies when something sad and bad is about to happen!! I usually love the rain but today is is reminding me too much of the sadness my heart is feeling, a picture of the tears that I have, and will, cry! I go to say good morning to our birds and give them some new food. I see Batman standing on the floor of the cage nibbling on Robin. Robin... Robin... AARRGGHH!!! I scream, I should have used the opportunity of Robin's untimely death and screamed till I had nothing left in me, but ever the controlled person that I am I merely walk away and ask Martin to remove the bird from the cage. I am grateful that I am not superstitious at this point - rain, dead bird and husband going to hospital!!
The younger teens took the song service this morning. It was nice for me to sit in the congregation for a change and to watch my son playing the guitar. I wanted to sob! I watched him and felt a peace - he's going to be alright! The children's plays were precious but we could not stay to see them all. It is time to go and get organised!
It occured to me last night that Martin doesn't even have pjs! I know he wont want to wear the hospital gown and I know I don't want him walking around in his undies! Off to the shops to buy some pjs, some water and a couple of books to keep him occupied. I have been anxious about the hospital. I have never been great with hospitals but it was made worse after visiting my dying father. Prior to all of this starting in our lives my biggest fear about my mum going away for 5 weeks was that my grandmother would get sick and I would have to help/visit her in hospital! Now here I was having to deal with my hsuband going in for things bigger than old age!
At first I had asked our friends Peter and Marianne to take us in to the hospital, I wanted to feel safe and have someone hold me up as I said goodbye to Martin and went home. Coming home from church I could sense Martin's need to be alone. It's not that he isn't appreciative of the friendship and support, I think it's more his way of coping with the situation by being a dweller in his cave! It is funny how different men and women are in these situations. A woman will reach out to almost anyone and ask them to surround her and save her from herself in a situation and a man will retreat to the back of his cave needing isolation and solitude to process events until he feels safe enough to be surrounded again.
I pull myself together, this isn't about me it's about him! We head into the hospital together. Walking into the front entrance, the last time I was here was to give birth to our last baby. How strange that here I have brought forth 2 of our 4 children. Never in a million years did I think at that point that I would be walking in with my husband as a potential cancer patient!
We sit down and wait. I use the opportunity to talk to Martin about a few things that I have been pondering. It is a hard thing to talk about - finding the balance of talking about the burdens of the heart and future, without feeling like you are jinxing it! Over the past couple of weeks I have done a lot of thinking about the worse case scenarios. I think that is a natural thing to do at a time like this. The very first night that this started, the night the dr called with the cat scan results, Martin went to bed telling me that his mind was doing backflips - seeing me remarried and not being at his daughters weddings! While it was too much for me to comment on at the time, it has been playing over and over in my thoughts since then. I have always thought that remarrying would be something I would do - or need to do, but now in the hospital waiting area I begin to tell Martin why I no longer think that. I do not think I would ever marry again. There is only one person that can father my children, that is Martin, I would not want to replace him... even if it means years of lonliness for me. It makes us both even more determined that we have to beat this thing! It is not about us - it is about our 4 beautiful children who are still so young and needing. I will never complete them. I will never bring out their full potential!
We head up to the bed where Martin is to sleep. It is a strange contrast to see him, a young and appearingly healthy male, walking into a ward filled with very sick people!!! The nurses run away getting ready to do his observations. He is down as an urgent case and as a result are not quite sure when he is being rushed off to surgery. Fortunately, because he has eaten, it is not going to be today - I know I wouldn't have coped with that!! One of the training drs comes to talk to him about his surgery tomorrow, what they will do and the risks involved. I decided to use that as an opportunity to take a walk! Don't need to fill my mind with the risks - I have already created my own and don't need to add to them!
We have a lovely time together, talking and holding hands. It is surreal to see him laying there. It is normally always me!! I want to stay all night and sleep on the chair next to him, but I can't there are 4 other people who still need me. I kiss him goodbye and walk away.
We are all sleeping at Felicty's house tonight. I do not want to be alone. I am surprised at how well I have soldiered today. I did something that I did not think I could do. My brave bones have held me thanks to the prayers and kindness of my friends!!
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