Well yet again I lay in bed wondering how to drag myself out to the people that need me. Charlotte is faithfully in my bed talking. Her chatter is so sweet, but I confess I am in need of a break from its constant sound. It begins the moment I open my eyes and doesn't stop until it's time to close them again!! She is such a sweetie, and anything from being naughty, but it is exhausting before I even get up!!!
I decide to check facebook and connect to my cyber world for a moment before being thrown into reality that waits outside my bedroom door. Felicity has posted on my wall to tell me that our get together today has changed from lunch to morning tea! Oops - better get a grip on reality faster than I thought!!
My children are over standard breakfasts... I am not sure how they became so pampered, but they are! They seem to hate toast and all other cereals and seem to enjoy the more finer style of life - like pancakes, waffles, eggs, beans on toast! So this morning I have decided to kill two birds with one stone - I'm making scones!! They can have hot scones for breakfast and then we can take the rest to the park for a communal contribution. I am impressed that I have mustered enough in myself to make the scones, pack an attempt at a picnic and be out the door by 10:30!!
When we arrive at the park I see the comforting face of Felicity, and 2 other parents who I have seen at the school but not really had a lot to do with. I sit in the car for a moment wondering if I can do it!! I have kept very much to my comfort circles over the past few weeks and fortunately with the kids on holidays I have not had to put my 'I'm alright' brave face on very often! So I sit in the car, digging underneath the junk on the front floor, wondering if I can find the mask of bravery that I need. Nope I can't seem to find it in here - if you saw the car you would understand that it is like the Tardis and it may take me a while to locate anything! I can't even find some lip gloss to hide behind so instead I grab my 2lt bottle of water and cuddle it like a baby holding its security blanket!!
The park goes without too many obstacles. I am sure the two other mothers probably thought me one of the dullest people they had ever met, but what's a girl to do? The kids have had a fun time and it is better than being holed up at home!!
When I arrive home though I can feel myself starting to run out of steam. I set the kids up with an activity so I can make a couple of phone calls. I try and call an old friend, Kristin, who works as a employment consultant and also studying to become a dietitian. I am not sure what I am expecting from her - maybe it is just someone to bounce some ideas off. I have been given an opportunity to apply for a full time job with the organisation that I currently do some work from home for. It is my dream job - but it is full time. My mind is spinning - if only I had a crystal ball - if I knew that my future was locked into having to work full time then I would apply as it is perfect. But it's not where my heart wants me to be. My heart is here with my children and now more than ever wanting to be home next to my husband! I am hoping Kristin can set my thoughts a little clearer - tell me a little more about the current market, temping and part time work. I call her. She has left! I hang up the phone and for whatever reason begin to sob. I know that seems like a completely irrational response to someone moving on in their employment. I think it was the build up of sitting in the park amidst strangers, tiredness and now another person moving on with life. Does anyone want to stop with me and sit and share my numbness?
I cry. Talk to mum and cry. Go to my room and cry. Oh I think I am better to be in a flat line state than to cry this much!! Someone unplug the heart monitor!!!! Poor Martin came home exhausted - and I cried all over him. He must feel like he is living with a wife who is in a permanent state of PMT. You never quite know what you gonna get!!
The house sleeps soundly. It is 1am and I am still awake. I will some how make myself plod through the coming day and then tomorrow night I will take some of the medication the doctor has suggested and sleep!! If this is a sign of what menopause is going to be like then please someone stop the body clock - this sucks!!
I decide to check facebook and connect to my cyber world for a moment before being thrown into reality that waits outside my bedroom door. Felicity has posted on my wall to tell me that our get together today has changed from lunch to morning tea! Oops - better get a grip on reality faster than I thought!!
My children are over standard breakfasts... I am not sure how they became so pampered, but they are! They seem to hate toast and all other cereals and seem to enjoy the more finer style of life - like pancakes, waffles, eggs, beans on toast! So this morning I have decided to kill two birds with one stone - I'm making scones!! They can have hot scones for breakfast and then we can take the rest to the park for a communal contribution. I am impressed that I have mustered enough in myself to make the scones, pack an attempt at a picnic and be out the door by 10:30!!
When we arrive at the park I see the comforting face of Felicity, and 2 other parents who I have seen at the school but not really had a lot to do with. I sit in the car for a moment wondering if I can do it!! I have kept very much to my comfort circles over the past few weeks and fortunately with the kids on holidays I have not had to put my 'I'm alright' brave face on very often! So I sit in the car, digging underneath the junk on the front floor, wondering if I can find the mask of bravery that I need. Nope I can't seem to find it in here - if you saw the car you would understand that it is like the Tardis and it may take me a while to locate anything! I can't even find some lip gloss to hide behind so instead I grab my 2lt bottle of water and cuddle it like a baby holding its security blanket!!
The park goes without too many obstacles. I am sure the two other mothers probably thought me one of the dullest people they had ever met, but what's a girl to do? The kids have had a fun time and it is better than being holed up at home!!
When I arrive home though I can feel myself starting to run out of steam. I set the kids up with an activity so I can make a couple of phone calls. I try and call an old friend, Kristin, who works as a employment consultant and also studying to become a dietitian. I am not sure what I am expecting from her - maybe it is just someone to bounce some ideas off. I have been given an opportunity to apply for a full time job with the organisation that I currently do some work from home for. It is my dream job - but it is full time. My mind is spinning - if only I had a crystal ball - if I knew that my future was locked into having to work full time then I would apply as it is perfect. But it's not where my heart wants me to be. My heart is here with my children and now more than ever wanting to be home next to my husband! I am hoping Kristin can set my thoughts a little clearer - tell me a little more about the current market, temping and part time work. I call her. She has left! I hang up the phone and for whatever reason begin to sob. I know that seems like a completely irrational response to someone moving on in their employment. I think it was the build up of sitting in the park amidst strangers, tiredness and now another person moving on with life. Does anyone want to stop with me and sit and share my numbness?
I cry. Talk to mum and cry. Go to my room and cry. Oh I think I am better to be in a flat line state than to cry this much!! Someone unplug the heart monitor!!!! Poor Martin came home exhausted - and I cried all over him. He must feel like he is living with a wife who is in a permanent state of PMT. You never quite know what you gonna get!!
The house sleeps soundly. It is 1am and I am still awake. I will some how make myself plod through the coming day and then tomorrow night I will take some of the medication the doctor has suggested and sleep!! If this is a sign of what menopause is going to be like then please someone stop the body clock - this sucks!!
No comments:
Post a Comment