The trek begins!

Well we are here!! I cannot believe that after months of talking and weeks of planning that we have actually been able to make it!! It was by the skin of our teeth and through the grace of God that we have done it though!!

Today is Friday 5 March, yesterday was Friday 5 March, it is my Groundhog day experience. I always knew that today was going to be a long day, but then to really accentuate the point we have to do it twice!!

Let me begin with Friday 5 March, Take 1. After being up for most of the night beforehand trying to prepare for going away, wondering if we should be going away, Martin being violently ill etc., I awoke at 5:30am to begin the preparing to catch an airplane phase. I am never a keen flyer, so anytime I fly I am always knotted and fitful, but today is worse. Today I have to take my husband, who has been up all night vomiting, on the other side of the world wondering if I will actually be able to get him home again. We haven’t really talked much about the seriousness of Martin’s condition. I know we have each thought about it, but never really talked about it. I don’t want to bring it up to Martin, lest I psych him out and Martin doesn’t mention it to me, lest he send me into a tail spin. So both of us seem to live in our bubble of genuine awareness and concern – but we each live in our own bubble, as next door neighbours! This morning though, our bubbles momentarily connected. Have you ever blown bubbles and seen two come together and create one? That was us for a moment. I have too much to lose by putting him on a plane, taking him away from his children, and me away from my support to not express my concern that I will not be able to get him home!! He has too much to lose by not getting on a plane! So we weigh up the options and agree to continue on our chosen path.

I felt it was only right that I talk to William today and be as honest with him as I can. I do not want to leave him, knowing that Martin might not make it home, without giving him some sense of warning. I take his little hand and gently tell him ‘daddy is dying... this is his last hope!’ We cry together, pray together and hold each other close. It is a huge thing for a child to carry – I am crumpling under the weight of it, I cannot imagine what that weight would feel like for a 12 year old boy!!

We arrive at the airport nice and early. I want to make sure we can get the best possible seats, plus I am armed with a bag full of heavy drugs and I am about to go into America!! I want to make sure I am safe!!!

After checking in and handing over the necessary forms to say that we have approved medications and a letter requesting a good seat, we are ushered off to the head girl who tells us that we actually need medical clearance before we are allowed to fly. This starts to spiral Martin a little bit – we have come so far to turn back now. I begin to wonder if this is the start of God closing the door and gently letting us know that it was the wrong path. I prayed last night that I will not lean on my own understanding but for God to make the path before me. We sit in the coffee shop as we wait for the final word on the decision. I place my head on the table and begin to sob. I cannot stop. I have at that very moment had to surrender my husband to the throne of heaven. He is not mine. I do not have ownership rights to him. I cannot cling on to him. It is a painful thing to come to that realisation, it is even more painful to fully surrender to it! Yet it is something that each of us must do – with all those that we love! I cried out to Jesus and laid Martin at His feet. Ultimately he belongs to God and if God wants him more than me then who am I to question! I look up at Martin, tears streaming down my face – “you’re not mine, I cannot hold onto you.” My heart is torn in two, actually maybe it was more like two hundred!

I go for a walk, phone Martin’s brother and explain the situation to him. Before I get on the plane I need to know that I have a contingency plan should something go wrong. I want to know that Stephen can come and join me and help me through any difficulties and assist me in getting Martin home if I need it – regardless of the state! Once I have that, and once I have surrended ownership I feel I can do whatever is needed.

The lovely Qantas lady finds us and informs us that we have clearance. It is a rush through to the flight, which was about to leave! They bundle Martin into a wheelchair and we race off to the terminal. How ironic that it was the exact same gate that we departed from 6 months earlier when we went to Canberra on William’s school camp. That was such a happy departure – filled with excitement and laughter. Now here we are again, tears streaming down my face, our children’s faces and Martin in a wheelchair! However did it come to this? I take Williams face in my hands and kiss him on his tear stained checks, and thank him that he is my friend. I know that if Martin was to go and be with Jesus that I have a piece of him right there before me! William is a mini-version of his daddy – both in looks, personality and humour. I know that as long as I have William I will always have Martin with me as well! Perhaps it is why we have always had a special bond...

I board the plane, anxious and sad! I have flown to Sydney many times from Brisbane and the hour flight has always knotted me – I have no idea why, but I just hate flying!! Martin wasn’t looking that great not long after taking off, but after a night of vomiting profusely and no sleep it’s not surprising. However after a while it became obvious that he was struggling. I gave him some morphine to try and help settle him. I know he is terribly anxious about his life and anxiety can have terrible affects even on a well person. About 10 minutes after the morphine he began to feel very hot and light headed. We ask for a washer and the hostess was wonderful. Ice, cold washes and then they suggested some oxygen. Martin agreed to it and here we are sitting on a plane with an oxygen mask on him and washes on his forehead. The oxygen started working a treat so I took the washes off his forehead and placed them on my own! This was proving too much for me and I was wondering if they had a spare oxygen mask! Maybe we could share it like you see a joint being passed around (and I promise I have only seen that in a movie!) If I ever hated the flight to Sydney before, now I am not so sure I could ever do it again in a sane mind!! Touch down! We have made it to Sydney – only 13 hours more flying to go!!
Martin hops in the wheelchair, apparently we need to see a doctor (again) to clear Martin for the next leg of the journey. The oxygen freaked out the airline more than it freaked me out!! We head up to the doctor, via the toilet for a vomit, and get told that we need to pay $75 for a doctor consultation. I argue a little the fact that we don’t want to see one and medical clearance has already been given, only to be told if we don’t do it we cannot fly! The doctor was a Wally with too much of a power trip going on in his head. Maybe he has developed a little saviour mentality by having weary flyers come to him for magic cures. Whatever his excuse for Wallyhood I could feel myself getting very annoyed with him. I walk out of the room, again giving God access to close the door. At this stage, if I am honest, I am almost hoping that he does close it. My faith has almost gone and as much as I have remained focuses I have come undone. But out comes the doctor bearing a letter of approval. The Wally has approved him, but warned me first that this is going to be very hard on him and we are taking a big risk! Great – as if flying over the Pacific Ocean for hours and hours isn’t enough of a burden on my mind, now I have the added burden of Martin having a heart attack or stroke in the middle of it!!
By the time the doctor interrogation ended we are on a tight time pressure (like they are calling our flight for boarding), racing through customs, Martin sitting in a wheelchair barely able to walk, me forgetting I had a water bottle in my bag and being detained while they searched through it all, Muhammad the wheelchair pusher getting anxious about time etc., all on top of my already over the top fear of flying and first time overseas! It was all too much for me and I cried from the start of customs until I boarded the plane!!

Well the plane was amazing. I had deliberately gone via Sydney in order to fly on the A380 and it was worth it. Imagine a cruise liner with wings! This thing is like a Tardis!! Qantas, bless them, had upgraded us to Premium Economy so we had a little bit more room and privacy. Unfortunately we also had a lady travelling alone with toddler twins and a 3 year old! Oh my goodness – has the woman never heard of a lolliepop?? Isn’t there anything she could give them to make them stop screaming??
The doctor has prescribed me with some anti-anxiety/sleeping pills to take for the trip, and I find myself looking at my watch desperately wishing I could take it early but I want to wait until it’s closer to bed time. The first two hours on the plane were a bit edgy for both of us. But it was too late to turn back and I figured that if the door didn’t close on us before entering then we were sitting where we were meant to be! After about 2 or 3 hours into the flight Martin fell asleep. He had settled. I took my magic pill, and I too settled. Oh bliss – it was time to sleep it all away!!

We were woken up 2 hours out of LA for breakfast. Martin was awake before me and ordering his breakfast – this was a pretty good way to wake up for me! He had slept well, looked a little better and was now nibbling on some fruit!!

It was Friday again – take two! Let’s hope this Friday was slightly better!!
I had conquered one of my greatest fears and tackled an overseas trip. We had arrived. We had made it. I have had my first stamp placed into my passport. We are one step closer to Mexico!

We are met at the airport by a very long acquainted family friend. I feel a sense of relief when I see his always smiling face. I am not sure I could have endured all of this had it not been for the fact that I knew such a wonderful family was going to be there to help us on the other side!

A rest, a little walk and a trip to Manhattan Beach. I have seen the coastline of the infamous Californian beaches – I am proud to be Australian where our beaches outdo the West Coast hands down!

Martin is one step closer to his Oasis and I am relieved. I am not sure he has many more days to afford waiting much longer. He is looking more and more like a photo from a Nazi concentration camp survivor!

Groundhog day has ended! Friday 5 March has finished for the second time!