Wednesday 10 March
The day started well! We have managed to have our first drug free night and both managed to sleep, albeit broken, through the night unaided!
I decide today warrants getting out of my tracksuit, I have a spring in my step and a feeling of hopefulness. Martin and I head down to breakfast together – he is feeling hopeful about eating something! Not wanting to question this rare occurrence I encourage him down to the food hall. It is a strange thing to be in a hospital filled with people in similar situations to ours. Everyone sits and chats with one another, but for now Martin and I seem to hide on our own table. As we look around my heart begins to break for those that are here with us. There is no prejudice, no boundaries of race or age. We are all in it together! There is a family here from London. She is 31, diagnosed with breast cancer a couple of years ago, has undergone chemo treatment, and now has secondary cancer in three other spots – including her lung. They have brought their 3 year old daughter along. She has come down for breakfast, but is unable to walk along the buffet table due to weakness. Her daughter runs around happy and oblivious to the state of her mother’s fragility! At another table there is a young man, maybe in his mid 30s, he is being wheeled in by his wife. He cannot walk well due to the enormous amounts of pain he has in his legs. Scanning my eyes across to the next table, there is a lovely young girl, early 20s, her tight African-American hair has all but fallen out from the chemo she has previously received. She had an aggressive form of cervical cancer and now has secondary lung cancer. We have a whole table of Armish people here! We all sit, suffering our own anguish, but yet sharing a vision of hope. I am hit by the fact that while my situation is hard, can seem hopeless, and has been a burden I wish I never had to carry, here in this room there are people who are in situations far worse than mine and Martin’s! It doesn’t matter how bad your problem is – someone else is worse off than you!
The day nosedived not too long after breakfast. The vomiting has begun again. I have never heard so much liquid being expelled from the body before! The doctor has said he is concerned Martin’s general state of mental sharpness, or lack of, is because of the morphine. When I point out that he is half starved and has lost almost 15kgs in the past 4 weeks he begins to take some action. He would like to drain Martin’s stomach. This was done before we left Brisbane. They took 6 litres out of his abdominal cavity!! Poor Martin isn’t too excited about having another needle shoved into his stomach but for the sake of trying to eat and eliminating possible causes of nausea he has agreed to do it.
He is having a hard time mentally. I think it is taking its toll on his ability to dig deep into his soul and fight back at what is taking place in his body.
They have removed another 3 litres of fluid from his abdomen. I try and act positive, like it doesn’t matter that 3 litres has accumulated in just over a week. Try to focus on the positives – not sure what they are but I make them up as I go!!
Unfortunately the vomiting continued. It would seem the drain has not particularly helped!! I find myself wondering what else could be causing it. Why is his body trying to reject any attempt at nutrition. And why, when he doesn’t even eat, does he continue to bring so much up!
The doctor has decided that they will feed him intravenously for 12 hours for the next 2 nights. I am excited that this is finally happening! I suggested it a few weeks ago when he was at his worse, but it was never done. The attitude here is very different to home. At home, you have cancer, you are ‘maintained’. Nothing is particularly offered to you in order to seek a remedy, rather things are given to you to ‘help you remain comfortable’. I wonder if Martin had been treated as if he never had cancer – offered antibiotics sooner or nutrition sooner – if he would have become as sick as he has been.
It has been an expensive day. I forget that anything over and above the agreed form of treatment is extra money!! It was $1000 (US) to have his stomach drained, and for the most expensive meal ever another $450 (US) for 2 nights of ‘food’! I try and push it out of my mind – his life is too priceless to consider doing anything but paying!!
The drip of food goes in. After about 3 hours we look down at his feet and notice that they have swollen! I guess he is just going to have to get fat from his feet up!! The doctor isn’t worried. They place a compression strap on his legs to try and keep any swelling at bay. I remind him of the benefits this is giving to his body. Better to have some puffy feet and some goodness in him!
The day has not been too bad. The food has been better today – I ate something other than rice – and Martin has his magic food!! Vomiting has flowed, but hope is still growing. I am on a see-saw ride but as my sister-in-law pointed out – at least we are still on the see-saw!!
The day started well! We have managed to have our first drug free night and both managed to sleep, albeit broken, through the night unaided!
I decide today warrants getting out of my tracksuit, I have a spring in my step and a feeling of hopefulness. Martin and I head down to breakfast together – he is feeling hopeful about eating something! Not wanting to question this rare occurrence I encourage him down to the food hall. It is a strange thing to be in a hospital filled with people in similar situations to ours. Everyone sits and chats with one another, but for now Martin and I seem to hide on our own table. As we look around my heart begins to break for those that are here with us. There is no prejudice, no boundaries of race or age. We are all in it together! There is a family here from London. She is 31, diagnosed with breast cancer a couple of years ago, has undergone chemo treatment, and now has secondary cancer in three other spots – including her lung. They have brought their 3 year old daughter along. She has come down for breakfast, but is unable to walk along the buffet table due to weakness. Her daughter runs around happy and oblivious to the state of her mother’s fragility! At another table there is a young man, maybe in his mid 30s, he is being wheeled in by his wife. He cannot walk well due to the enormous amounts of pain he has in his legs. Scanning my eyes across to the next table, there is a lovely young girl, early 20s, her tight African-American hair has all but fallen out from the chemo she has previously received. She had an aggressive form of cervical cancer and now has secondary lung cancer. We have a whole table of Armish people here! We all sit, suffering our own anguish, but yet sharing a vision of hope. I am hit by the fact that while my situation is hard, can seem hopeless, and has been a burden I wish I never had to carry, here in this room there are people who are in situations far worse than mine and Martin’s! It doesn’t matter how bad your problem is – someone else is worse off than you!
The day nosedived not too long after breakfast. The vomiting has begun again. I have never heard so much liquid being expelled from the body before! The doctor has said he is concerned Martin’s general state of mental sharpness, or lack of, is because of the morphine. When I point out that he is half starved and has lost almost 15kgs in the past 4 weeks he begins to take some action. He would like to drain Martin’s stomach. This was done before we left Brisbane. They took 6 litres out of his abdominal cavity!! Poor Martin isn’t too excited about having another needle shoved into his stomach but for the sake of trying to eat and eliminating possible causes of nausea he has agreed to do it.
He is having a hard time mentally. I think it is taking its toll on his ability to dig deep into his soul and fight back at what is taking place in his body.
They have removed another 3 litres of fluid from his abdomen. I try and act positive, like it doesn’t matter that 3 litres has accumulated in just over a week. Try to focus on the positives – not sure what they are but I make them up as I go!!
Unfortunately the vomiting continued. It would seem the drain has not particularly helped!! I find myself wondering what else could be causing it. Why is his body trying to reject any attempt at nutrition. And why, when he doesn’t even eat, does he continue to bring so much up!
The doctor has decided that they will feed him intravenously for 12 hours for the next 2 nights. I am excited that this is finally happening! I suggested it a few weeks ago when he was at his worse, but it was never done. The attitude here is very different to home. At home, you have cancer, you are ‘maintained’. Nothing is particularly offered to you in order to seek a remedy, rather things are given to you to ‘help you remain comfortable’. I wonder if Martin had been treated as if he never had cancer – offered antibiotics sooner or nutrition sooner – if he would have become as sick as he has been.
It has been an expensive day. I forget that anything over and above the agreed form of treatment is extra money!! It was $1000 (US) to have his stomach drained, and for the most expensive meal ever another $450 (US) for 2 nights of ‘food’! I try and push it out of my mind – his life is too priceless to consider doing anything but paying!!
The drip of food goes in. After about 3 hours we look down at his feet and notice that they have swollen! I guess he is just going to have to get fat from his feet up!! The doctor isn’t worried. They place a compression strap on his legs to try and keep any swelling at bay. I remind him of the benefits this is giving to his body. Better to have some puffy feet and some goodness in him!
The day has not been too bad. The food has been better today – I ate something other than rice – and Martin has his magic food!! Vomiting has flowed, but hope is still growing. I am on a see-saw ride but as my sister-in-law pointed out – at least we are still on the see-saw!!
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