Sunday 14 March
Last night as Martin lay in bed he reached out his hand and told me he had something to ask me. For a split second I wonder if he is joking, but as I take his hand I realise he has something he needs to get off his chest... ‘would you remarry?’ Ok I wasn’t expecting that one!! I think for a while before I answer... I want to make sure that I am being honest with myself as well as him. ‘Firstly, you are not going to die – I believe that! Secondly, no I will not remarry.’ He looks at me a little more needing I’m not sure if it’s confirmation or explanation. I go on to tell him that there are a few reasons that I have come to that conclusion. I start by telling him that I always thought that I would remarry – that I would need to – and am personally surprised that I now say I wouldn’t. Then, as tears well in my eyes, I explain that my foremost reason for not wanting to remarry is due to the fact that I do not think I could ever go through this pain again – the pain of loving and losing. I do not want to allow my heart to love someone with the passion that I have loved (and at times hated) again. He has my heart, and there is not enough left of it to share wholly with anyone else. I then say that my second reason is the children. I believe the 5 of us would be happier to keep our family unit as just that – our family... no additions or additives. By now the tears are running down my cheeks. I am blessed that regardless of what happens I have 4 wonderful children who fill my future with laughter and love. I give Martin and hug – I wish his body allowed me to snuggle closer. I so miss the feeling of closeness and the comfort that snuggling next to him brings me. It has been so long since I have fallen asleep in his arms as he plays with my hair. I miss the smell of him as I drift off to sleep listening to the relaxed sound of his breathing. I miss my favourite time of my day. Laying there, talking, and drifting off to sleep!
This morning as I open my eyes, he in one bed and me in another, he is finally asleep. The nights are unsettled and I am not sure what causes that, but it means keeping extra still and quiet for me in the morning. I am keen to get up though and check my emails and Facebook. Friends have been writing to me more often and I hang on every word sent!! I tip-toe over to bring the laptop to my bed. It is 8am – church at 9:30 which I am excited about! I settled in with the laptop hungry for the words that it will contain. Then I read a post from my friend ‘reminding’ me that daylight saving starts here today! Aaarrgghh!! Oh no! No one told us that daylight saving was happening! Here I was thinking that I was awake with plenty of time to get ready for church – when it was really 9:15am!
By this stage Martin is awake and we are both rubbing the sleep from our eyes and quickly getting ready to go down to breakfast and have the church service. I should have known not to worry – we are after all in Mexico where time doesn’t seem to matter. It appears that even the person doing the sermon forgot it was daylight saving time – so now church didn’t end up starting until 10:30!
The songs were great – all ones that we sing in church at home. So I closed my eyes and sang – not caring who was there and who could hear. Hungry for a touch of heaven!! The sermon began and after 10 minutes I could feel my foot involuntarily begin to shake – never a good sign. I am not sure if God was mentioned, although I do know the man talking is genuinely saved, but it there was a lot of positive talking about Oasis. I wanted to point out that we were all happy with Oasis because that is why we are here. It wasn’t what my soul was needing. I was grateful for it to end!! The only thing I took away with me was the real meaning of the group PETA – People Eating Tasty Meat!! After a week of a quasi-vegan diet I think I will make that my new life motto!!
We head out for a quick walk before lunch. Our next excursion is coming up and I want to be prepared with Pesos today!! It is always a little unclear to me if I am being charged correctly!! I collect some more flowers for my hair – I am beginning to like this ritual I have formed!! I am armed with $1,100 (doesn’t that sound extreme!) which equates to about $80USD. I do not believe I will find anything of value – but I do want to try and find something sentimental for the kids.
Before we are set to leave I notice Matt, the young father, looking rather frantic in the foyer. I know that his wife is having a terrible time this morning. They are desperately trying to do something for her – giving her copious blood transfusions to try and raise her blood oxygen levels. Now he is looking wild – running in little circles. I go and ask him if he is alright. He is waiting to talk to the chaplain. He has just been told that there is nothing more the doctors can do – he has 2 choices – to place a ventilator in her throat to help her breathe, knowing he will not be able to talk to her again, or to sedate her as she is terribly anxious, knowing that she will probably never wake up!! My heart is aching for him!!
The bus is ready to take us to the markets. I almost feel guilty for allowing myself to take part in a moment of tourist pleasures while another man’s heart is being torn out!! Martin was originally thinking of stay behind, but after seeing Matt’s distress he has decided to come allowing me to push him in a wheelchair.
As we arrive at the market we knew the experience is going to be better than Downtown! It is a sleep quiet place with rows and rows of shops – nicer quality than the main shops. I feel like I have just stepped into Santa Fe. I wish that there was no weight limit to fly home with – the pottery, porcelain and stain glass was exquisite and cost next to nothing!!
Martin was happy to be pushed and I told him he was not allowed to judge my female driving skills! We hit a few potholes and I probably gave him whiplash a couple of times, but I think I did alright!! I managed to acquire a few things, something small for the children –with William being the hardest as they just don’t have cheap laptops in the Mexican markets!!
I have always associated Mexicans with donkeys and dogs. I am not sure if my education is solely due to Hollywood or reality. Yesterday we saw the donkeys and today I am aware of dogs! Everywhere there are dogs!!
As with any overseas holiday – the thing that the pictures fail to share is the noise and the smells. The smells are something... there one minute gone the next! I have no idea what they are attributed to but perhaps it is the beans which are popular here!!! Then we have the noises – if I close my eyes and think of hearing associations I hear car alarms and car horns with the occasional clammer of what they would call music! Someone only has to touch their brakes and the car behind begins to honk!
The order of shops on every street goes something like this.... dentist.... pharmacy... liquor store.... interspersed between them you will see either something medial related or a food health inspectors worse nightmare!! Viagra and more Viagra! It is like being stuck in a visual spam email world!!
We pile back into our little bus so glad to have come and momentarily everyone forgetting what has brought us all together!! Our spirits are high!
As we walk back into the courtyard I see Matt coming out with Farren and her little bike. I ask him how he is and what’s happening. He tells me he had to make a decision, and he decided to sedate her – and then she passed away. Words cannot express the way that hits your heart. We are all here with one combined dream and vision – to avoid those very words being said!! He has been here for 2 weeks, flown to the other side of the world, and treatment was never started because she was too fragile.... now he is in another country, away from his family and friends, and with no wife! I do not know how he is standing up!!!
Needless to say the news of Jo has settled heavily upon everyone that has formed friendships with them. Martin remains me of a WW2 plane that gets hit in the tail.... imagine the whirring noise of the engine as the plane begins to circle out of control plummeting towards the earth! His mind is spiralling out of control – doubts, fears and anxiety rise to peak heights! This isn’t meant to happen here!!
Not sure what to do for the evening, and I am beginning to feel like it is going to drag on like a ball and chain. Then at that moment we get a knock on our door. A small group, ones that we talk to most, have decided that it is too depressing here tonight so they are venturing out for dinner. I for one am excited at the thought of REAL food as well as a jovial atmosphere!
We walk towards the beach where the restaurant is near. A new street I have not been down before. Just near the restaurant is the border with huge fences trying to slow the millions of illegal Mexican immigrants into the US. Helicopters are constantly circling up and down the fence line making sure no one is missed! In a tree we see an eagle, or a kite sitting on a tree branch... 2 minutes later a tiny little squirrel ran across our path... right next to the restaurant was a nest of hummingbirds. What an amazing place this is. Nature is happy in its habitat, it does not seek to cross a borderline!
Dinner was wonderful!! I finally had real Mexican food – Quesilladas! I have to admit that, although these must be authentic, I would have the Montezumas version any day!! Still I am not going to complain – it was delicious and I ate until my stomach hurt! More importantly was the fact that Martin ate an entire main meal and partook of the appetizers as well!! It is a miracle that I must rejoice in, even if at this point he cannot!!
Life has see-sawed once again – this time with the sadness of someone else. For us the see-saw seems to have someone fat on the other end keeping us lifted (sorry Jesus – I never meant to say you were fat – but definitely heavily weighted!) Prayers really do have weight behind them, I know because we are lifted up! Please pray for Matt and his adorable daughter Farren – they need the same weight to life them up!!
I am grateful that although life has no certainties eternity does. I do not know what is waiting around this bend, or the next bend... but I do know what my ultimate destination is! Come quickly Lord Jesus, come quickly!!
Last night as Martin lay in bed he reached out his hand and told me he had something to ask me. For a split second I wonder if he is joking, but as I take his hand I realise he has something he needs to get off his chest... ‘would you remarry?’ Ok I wasn’t expecting that one!! I think for a while before I answer... I want to make sure that I am being honest with myself as well as him. ‘Firstly, you are not going to die – I believe that! Secondly, no I will not remarry.’ He looks at me a little more needing I’m not sure if it’s confirmation or explanation. I go on to tell him that there are a few reasons that I have come to that conclusion. I start by telling him that I always thought that I would remarry – that I would need to – and am personally surprised that I now say I wouldn’t. Then, as tears well in my eyes, I explain that my foremost reason for not wanting to remarry is due to the fact that I do not think I could ever go through this pain again – the pain of loving and losing. I do not want to allow my heart to love someone with the passion that I have loved (and at times hated) again. He has my heart, and there is not enough left of it to share wholly with anyone else. I then say that my second reason is the children. I believe the 5 of us would be happier to keep our family unit as just that – our family... no additions or additives. By now the tears are running down my cheeks. I am blessed that regardless of what happens I have 4 wonderful children who fill my future with laughter and love. I give Martin and hug – I wish his body allowed me to snuggle closer. I so miss the feeling of closeness and the comfort that snuggling next to him brings me. It has been so long since I have fallen asleep in his arms as he plays with my hair. I miss the smell of him as I drift off to sleep listening to the relaxed sound of his breathing. I miss my favourite time of my day. Laying there, talking, and drifting off to sleep!
This morning as I open my eyes, he in one bed and me in another, he is finally asleep. The nights are unsettled and I am not sure what causes that, but it means keeping extra still and quiet for me in the morning. I am keen to get up though and check my emails and Facebook. Friends have been writing to me more often and I hang on every word sent!! I tip-toe over to bring the laptop to my bed. It is 8am – church at 9:30 which I am excited about! I settled in with the laptop hungry for the words that it will contain. Then I read a post from my friend ‘reminding’ me that daylight saving starts here today! Aaarrgghh!! Oh no! No one told us that daylight saving was happening! Here I was thinking that I was awake with plenty of time to get ready for church – when it was really 9:15am!
By this stage Martin is awake and we are both rubbing the sleep from our eyes and quickly getting ready to go down to breakfast and have the church service. I should have known not to worry – we are after all in Mexico where time doesn’t seem to matter. It appears that even the person doing the sermon forgot it was daylight saving time – so now church didn’t end up starting until 10:30!
The songs were great – all ones that we sing in church at home. So I closed my eyes and sang – not caring who was there and who could hear. Hungry for a touch of heaven!! The sermon began and after 10 minutes I could feel my foot involuntarily begin to shake – never a good sign. I am not sure if God was mentioned, although I do know the man talking is genuinely saved, but it there was a lot of positive talking about Oasis. I wanted to point out that we were all happy with Oasis because that is why we are here. It wasn’t what my soul was needing. I was grateful for it to end!! The only thing I took away with me was the real meaning of the group PETA – People Eating Tasty Meat!! After a week of a quasi-vegan diet I think I will make that my new life motto!!
We head out for a quick walk before lunch. Our next excursion is coming up and I want to be prepared with Pesos today!! It is always a little unclear to me if I am being charged correctly!! I collect some more flowers for my hair – I am beginning to like this ritual I have formed!! I am armed with $1,100 (doesn’t that sound extreme!) which equates to about $80USD. I do not believe I will find anything of value – but I do want to try and find something sentimental for the kids.
Before we are set to leave I notice Matt, the young father, looking rather frantic in the foyer. I know that his wife is having a terrible time this morning. They are desperately trying to do something for her – giving her copious blood transfusions to try and raise her blood oxygen levels. Now he is looking wild – running in little circles. I go and ask him if he is alright. He is waiting to talk to the chaplain. He has just been told that there is nothing more the doctors can do – he has 2 choices – to place a ventilator in her throat to help her breathe, knowing he will not be able to talk to her again, or to sedate her as she is terribly anxious, knowing that she will probably never wake up!! My heart is aching for him!!
The bus is ready to take us to the markets. I almost feel guilty for allowing myself to take part in a moment of tourist pleasures while another man’s heart is being torn out!! Martin was originally thinking of stay behind, but after seeing Matt’s distress he has decided to come allowing me to push him in a wheelchair.
As we arrive at the market we knew the experience is going to be better than Downtown! It is a sleep quiet place with rows and rows of shops – nicer quality than the main shops. I feel like I have just stepped into Santa Fe. I wish that there was no weight limit to fly home with – the pottery, porcelain and stain glass was exquisite and cost next to nothing!!
Martin was happy to be pushed and I told him he was not allowed to judge my female driving skills! We hit a few potholes and I probably gave him whiplash a couple of times, but I think I did alright!! I managed to acquire a few things, something small for the children –with William being the hardest as they just don’t have cheap laptops in the Mexican markets!!
I have always associated Mexicans with donkeys and dogs. I am not sure if my education is solely due to Hollywood or reality. Yesterday we saw the donkeys and today I am aware of dogs! Everywhere there are dogs!!
As with any overseas holiday – the thing that the pictures fail to share is the noise and the smells. The smells are something... there one minute gone the next! I have no idea what they are attributed to but perhaps it is the beans which are popular here!!! Then we have the noises – if I close my eyes and think of hearing associations I hear car alarms and car horns with the occasional clammer of what they would call music! Someone only has to touch their brakes and the car behind begins to honk!
The order of shops on every street goes something like this.... dentist.... pharmacy... liquor store.... interspersed between them you will see either something medial related or a food health inspectors worse nightmare!! Viagra and more Viagra! It is like being stuck in a visual spam email world!!
We pile back into our little bus so glad to have come and momentarily everyone forgetting what has brought us all together!! Our spirits are high!
As we walk back into the courtyard I see Matt coming out with Farren and her little bike. I ask him how he is and what’s happening. He tells me he had to make a decision, and he decided to sedate her – and then she passed away. Words cannot express the way that hits your heart. We are all here with one combined dream and vision – to avoid those very words being said!! He has been here for 2 weeks, flown to the other side of the world, and treatment was never started because she was too fragile.... now he is in another country, away from his family and friends, and with no wife! I do not know how he is standing up!!!
Needless to say the news of Jo has settled heavily upon everyone that has formed friendships with them. Martin remains me of a WW2 plane that gets hit in the tail.... imagine the whirring noise of the engine as the plane begins to circle out of control plummeting towards the earth! His mind is spiralling out of control – doubts, fears and anxiety rise to peak heights! This isn’t meant to happen here!!
Not sure what to do for the evening, and I am beginning to feel like it is going to drag on like a ball and chain. Then at that moment we get a knock on our door. A small group, ones that we talk to most, have decided that it is too depressing here tonight so they are venturing out for dinner. I for one am excited at the thought of REAL food as well as a jovial atmosphere!
We walk towards the beach where the restaurant is near. A new street I have not been down before. Just near the restaurant is the border with huge fences trying to slow the millions of illegal Mexican immigrants into the US. Helicopters are constantly circling up and down the fence line making sure no one is missed! In a tree we see an eagle, or a kite sitting on a tree branch... 2 minutes later a tiny little squirrel ran across our path... right next to the restaurant was a nest of hummingbirds. What an amazing place this is. Nature is happy in its habitat, it does not seek to cross a borderline!
Dinner was wonderful!! I finally had real Mexican food – Quesilladas! I have to admit that, although these must be authentic, I would have the Montezumas version any day!! Still I am not going to complain – it was delicious and I ate until my stomach hurt! More importantly was the fact that Martin ate an entire main meal and partook of the appetizers as well!! It is a miracle that I must rejoice in, even if at this point he cannot!!
Life has see-sawed once again – this time with the sadness of someone else. For us the see-saw seems to have someone fat on the other end keeping us lifted (sorry Jesus – I never meant to say you were fat – but definitely heavily weighted!) Prayers really do have weight behind them, I know because we are lifted up! Please pray for Matt and his adorable daughter Farren – they need the same weight to life them up!!
I am grateful that although life has no certainties eternity does. I do not know what is waiting around this bend, or the next bend... but I do know what my ultimate destination is! Come quickly Lord Jesus, come quickly!!
so heartbroken for that family Pip.....sounds crazy but please give them our regards...will be praying for him too!!!
ReplyDeletewow, such a lot to deal with, glad you had a little excursion and got to buy some pressies!
hugs to you both
x