Wednesday 23 December

I awoke at 3am, initially I am half delirious and for a split second I think that the previous days experience was just a bad, really bad, dream! It suddenly occurs to me that it wasn't, and if it was then I'm still dreaming! I remember the valium that I have taken at the start of this sleep and wonder why I am even awake right now - "please don't stop working, please don't stop working" I mutter for a little while. I cannot let my mind start to wander, that's when I come undone, so I keep my eyes closed think of going to Toowoomba and fall back to sleep.

I am up at 5:30 - today is all about getting ready to go to Toowoomba and start to feel the festivities. I actually feel a little excited! I do the washing, fold it and put it away... clean the house... and start to make little piles of what will be needed.

My hairdresser has been away for a few weeks, and with everything that has gone on my appearance hasn't been a priority. It is beginning to show!! As much as I do not want to waste the time, and as uncertain as I feel about sitting in a hairdressing salon, I decide to go to my appointment this morning. The plan is, I will get my hair done, come home and get the last few things and we will leave. There is something in female hair that is so linked to her psyche... good hair equates to good (or better) feelings! I walk away from my hairdresser grateful that she is home and grateful that I forced myself to go!

Unfortunately when I get home I can tell things aren't going to go according to the original plan. The place is in chaos, it's 2pm and lunch hasn't been done and there is still a miriad of things that need to be completed. It's alright - I am trying to remain steady!!

Martin needs to go back to the hospital - he left his pillow and mobile phone charger there - and needs to try and find out any more results. I do not want to go back there in a hurry so he heads off to the hospital and the children and I head to Chermside. As I have said before - I hate shopping, and today 2 days before Christmas in one of our busiest shopping centres I find myself surprisingly calm! The kids have all got their pocket money and it is the first year that we have set out for them to choose and buy their own presents for one another. I find their excitment is contagious and I am enjoying the experience! Surprised that I am actually surviving the shops I am also impressed that we have completed everyone's list in less than an hour!

The last thing left to do is our annual Santa photo. The kids have been begging me for weeks, and I have put it off... but now there is no getting out of it. The santa setup looks very pretty this year! I phone Martin to find out if he is far away and he asks us to wait. I would like to get a photo with all of us - it would be a first! When Martin gets there he sees the line of people doing their last minute santa snap and decides that there is too much to do before we can leave to Toowoomba. I understand, am disappointed, but understand. The kids and I line up for the wonderland experience and wait... and wait... and wait! OMG - it took almost 2 hours to get the photo in my hand! Please understand there was only 5 groups in front of me!! I have never in all my santa experiences had such a slow and unpleasant experience. Had santa been charismatic and somehow managed to find a personality for himself in his sleigh that may have helped!?! Either way, but the end of it my joy was lost and my hope of getting to Toowoomba was fading! It was already 6pm and we still had to go back to our house, load up the presents, then back to our summer house to load up the trailer.

I phone Sara at 7pm and tell her we aren't going to make it. We are both crest fallen. I just want to get there and find myself being jollied along into Christmas! I hide under the sheets in my bed and have a good cry.

It has been a long day and tomorrow is Christmas Eve! We are all in bed early and I know sleep will come quickly!