I am alone again today. Sara has gone home. Martin has gone to work. I am not good in my own company - I'm not sure I have ever been good left with too much alone time.
A friend is having a ladies Christmas lunch today. I decide it will be good for me to be out today and the kids would enjoy a change of scenery and hopefully some friends to play with! It was a pleasant morning/afternoon. I am feeling vulnerable so I was hoping to hide behind numbers and enjoy some laughter. Unfortunately there wasn't a lot of people there, so hiding was not really an option and I guess it takes a lot for laughter at the moment! Still the kids had a great time swimming and it got us out of the house!
Martin told me this afternoon that the hospital has called him. They have referred him to another specialist - Dr Finch - and he needs to have laproscopic surgery done in order for the mass to be viewed and biopsied. I knew it was going to happen, but it never makes it easier to deal with. He needs to go to hospital on Sunday morning and may be there until Tuesday! I wasn't prepared for that! I thought a night at the most!! It is getting so close to Christmas, I don't feel like I can plan anything. Each day seems to be transient and I have no idea what the next will bring. Now I wonder if Martin will even be with us on Christmas day or if we will be opening presents in a hospital bed.
Church tonight was great. I was desperate to get to prayer beforehand... I had a days worth of tears and fears (or is it tears for fears - good name for a band!) and needed to lay them before God. I cried and asked God to speak to me tonight - I need to know he is with us in all of this! We had a visiting preacher from America and he preached on the grace of God. It was perfect for me - I need God's grace on my mind! At the end of the service before it all finished, he said "There is a lady here and you are tormented by a medical report that the drs have given". Oh hello - yep that would be me!! I feel so blessed that here is this man whom I have never met, that knew nothing of me or my situation and God was able to speak directly to me! I do not remember the exact words after that and if they promised a happy outcome, but I do know that God's hand is right in the middle of the situation and Martin and I are right in the middle of God's hands!
I go to sleep tonight knowing that despite my anxiety at the next stage... God is holding us and there is no safer place to be!
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