The death of a friend, close in your peer network, is a strange thing. I have experienced people dying and it never seems to be something that is easy to process, but to have someone close in friendship and particularly age is unnerving! Suddenly age doesn't seem to matter - death does not discriminate!
It was a Friday morning when my friend lost her husband. The Monday of the same week, I would begin to realise, was the start of my own journey. My 4 gorgeous children, along with my husband and I, had set off to Lone Star for #3's 8th birthday - a family tradition we have had going for a number of years. Out come the steaks and in we dive!! Darling husband, who I should give a name, Martin, took a bite. Not one to shy away from food I noticed rather easily that Martin was actually not eating his steak!! Not only was he not eating - he was in a lot of pain!! It seemed that the piece of steak was stuck somewhere between the bottom of his throat and his bottom!! I again start my plea that he go to a doctor and have a check up - he has just turned 40 and isn't that the done thing?? He agrees to see a doctor, but it's just finding the time to do it.
Hearing of our friends death of course makes you evaulate every ache and pain in your body. Laying in bed that morning, as I was being hit by lightening on the fragility of life, my husband lay in bed beginning to realise that perhaps his body was trying to tell him something. "Pippa, is one side of your stomach harder than the other" were his words. To double check what I already knew, I lay on my back and press hard on the left side and then press hard on the right - nope definitely no hard spots.
Too much for me to process - the death of a friend and my husband with a hard mass taking up a large area on his left hand side all on the same day!! Can I be an ostrich? Someone please bring me a bucket of sand to put my head into??
The weekend blurs on - I'm not sure whether my reactions and emotions are for my friend or my impending doom - either way I have that whole disconnected feeling!
We head off to the doctor on Monday afternoon. Kids very obediently wait in the waiting area while Martin and I go and talk to the doctor. As he begins to talk to our family doctor, I realise he is a lot more descriptive with his symptoms than he was with me. Doctor at this stage is looking at Martin with a little big of sceptisim - "maybe you have a gallstone... hop on the table and let me have a feel". Ok most likely not a gallstone. A cat scan is the way to go. "Don't worry at your age you would be really unlucky to have anything serious!"
Alright - the first of my world spins begin!! I am on the phone texting my faithful wingmen - mum and my sister, Sara. "Not coping - Martin has a mass in his stomach - trying to stay calm!"
You see, perhaps my reaction seems a little drastic, but less than 2 years ago my father was diagnosed with cancer. A 55 year old man with no medical signs of sickness or distress. He just happened to have a drink and it gave him a strange pain. Off to the doctor for a check up! The date was 10 May 2007 exactly one month later on 10 June 2007 he passed away from advanced oesophageal cancer. The speed at which it happened still sends me into a spin!
So I am probably not going to respond very well to the possibility that my husband has a mass of something inside his body!!
Martin, being Martin, doesn't feel the urgency to get to his cat scan. Tuesday comes and goes! Finally Wednesday afternoon he is off to get it done! He came home and we chilled together for a while with the kids then decided to start getting ready for church. The phone rings and it is our family doctor... the time is 5:45pm and I know he isn't ringing to be friendly and say hello!! Fear grips my heart at the realisation that the cat scan isn't bearing good news!
Lots of 'uh-ah's' later Martin gets off the phone. Don't go anywhere in a hurry - you will need to go to hospital asap were the doctors words. "I'm not saying it's cancer, but I'm not saying it's not". Ok we manage to get to church, somehow I stand on the platform and sing - strangely finding comfort and also wanting to run off in a hysteria!!
This was 5 weeks ago today. The start of a journey I never saw myself taking!!
It was a Friday morning when my friend lost her husband. The Monday of the same week, I would begin to realise, was the start of my own journey. My 4 gorgeous children, along with my husband and I, had set off to Lone Star for #3's 8th birthday - a family tradition we have had going for a number of years. Out come the steaks and in we dive!! Darling husband, who I should give a name, Martin, took a bite. Not one to shy away from food I noticed rather easily that Martin was actually not eating his steak!! Not only was he not eating - he was in a lot of pain!! It seemed that the piece of steak was stuck somewhere between the bottom of his throat and his bottom!! I again start my plea that he go to a doctor and have a check up - he has just turned 40 and isn't that the done thing?? He agrees to see a doctor, but it's just finding the time to do it.
Hearing of our friends death of course makes you evaulate every ache and pain in your body. Laying in bed that morning, as I was being hit by lightening on the fragility of life, my husband lay in bed beginning to realise that perhaps his body was trying to tell him something. "Pippa, is one side of your stomach harder than the other" were his words. To double check what I already knew, I lay on my back and press hard on the left side and then press hard on the right - nope definitely no hard spots.
Too much for me to process - the death of a friend and my husband with a hard mass taking up a large area on his left hand side all on the same day!! Can I be an ostrich? Someone please bring me a bucket of sand to put my head into??
The weekend blurs on - I'm not sure whether my reactions and emotions are for my friend or my impending doom - either way I have that whole disconnected feeling!
We head off to the doctor on Monday afternoon. Kids very obediently wait in the waiting area while Martin and I go and talk to the doctor. As he begins to talk to our family doctor, I realise he is a lot more descriptive with his symptoms than he was with me. Doctor at this stage is looking at Martin with a little big of sceptisim - "maybe you have a gallstone... hop on the table and let me have a feel". Ok most likely not a gallstone. A cat scan is the way to go. "Don't worry at your age you would be really unlucky to have anything serious!"
Alright - the first of my world spins begin!! I am on the phone texting my faithful wingmen - mum and my sister, Sara. "Not coping - Martin has a mass in his stomach - trying to stay calm!"
You see, perhaps my reaction seems a little drastic, but less than 2 years ago my father was diagnosed with cancer. A 55 year old man with no medical signs of sickness or distress. He just happened to have a drink and it gave him a strange pain. Off to the doctor for a check up! The date was 10 May 2007 exactly one month later on 10 June 2007 he passed away from advanced oesophageal cancer. The speed at which it happened still sends me into a spin!
So I am probably not going to respond very well to the possibility that my husband has a mass of something inside his body!!
Martin, being Martin, doesn't feel the urgency to get to his cat scan. Tuesday comes and goes! Finally Wednesday afternoon he is off to get it done! He came home and we chilled together for a while with the kids then decided to start getting ready for church. The phone rings and it is our family doctor... the time is 5:45pm and I know he isn't ringing to be friendly and say hello!! Fear grips my heart at the realisation that the cat scan isn't bearing good news!
Lots of 'uh-ah's' later Martin gets off the phone. Don't go anywhere in a hurry - you will need to go to hospital asap were the doctors words. "I'm not saying it's cancer, but I'm not saying it's not". Ok we manage to get to church, somehow I stand on the platform and sing - strangely finding comfort and also wanting to run off in a hysteria!!
This was 5 weeks ago today. The start of a journey I never saw myself taking!!
Well written Pip. Brought back all the emotions of those horrible first days/weeks.....you are very brave to be able to go back.... love you (on a practical side - how do i become a follower of your blog?)
ReplyDeleteon the top of the title bar on the left hand side there is a 'follow' bottom - think that will show you the way... this is a little new to me :)
ReplyDeletelove it pippa i cant believe how well written you and ally are so raw and easy to get lost in the emotion of it all love you guys xoxox
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